I have so much to tell ya'll, I saw the psyc dr. on Wed. and was told i have unrealistic fears of my hubby and boys dying everytime they leave, bordering on delusional(sp?) and he is not there to treat my grief, i still must go through that he is treating my sleeplessness, anxiety, teeth grinding ..... all the side effects of the grief. All i want is one pill that will numb me and still allow me to progress, knock me out but not where i won't wake up at the slightest noise, take all the neg. fears away and leave positive thoughts, take all the physical pains away except for the pain when somethings wrong with ya(not to do with grief) and be none addictive, is that so much to ask?-apparently. He is getting me some seroquil(sp?) to go along with the prozac, maxalt, and jaw pain meds i already take, so that didn't work out instead of giving me 1 pill to do it all he just adds another 1 to the list, shame on him for not having that miricle pill there handy. Any way he also told me with the anger i was feeling it would not be a good idea to talk to Dannielle, this was Wed., and she shows up in my driveway thurs. ok here we go.........  I called Dannielle's cell phone fri am as planned even waited til 8:30 am to call(instead of 8 like planned), no answer, and no voice mail set up, ok they are teens and probably sleep in, try again in 1/2 hr- no answer ok maybe i should not have been nice enough to warn her i would yell, really getting anxious, about 10 min later David(the guy pal)calls they just got up and will be here shortly-whew. We had coffee, remininsed, got caught up, went over some rumers, then i said "lite up and get ready" I told her i was going to talk to her like an adult who has lost loved ones and has some understanding of the what ifs, could've, should've .... I didn't actually yell but i did raise my voice, found out exactly why and how Suzette was driving(she was stil meds and not real clear on details last time), found out exactly why Suzette was wanting to move out and what she told both of them, the ppl she had spent most of her time with, both said it was because she wanted to show me she could be indepentant and do it on her own, not because she was uncomfortable with hubby and i's tension of him drinking again or because she didn't want to be here crowded with my sis and family moving in as i had been told by others so that was a relief, i had been thinking it was our fault in a neg. way that she didn't want to be here. I still didn't get much better answers to whether she was preg., she had told both of them she was but it was out of the blue with both, said she had gone to appt. and found out but who took her if not 1 of them, she had supposedly told the dad the day before her acc. so it wasnm't him., wonder if i can find out at drs. she was 18 and i know the privacy thing but i am her mother so maybe .....   I can't talk to the "dad" as he is epileptic and still has issues with talking about and dealing with her, I have not got to talk to him face to face at all(he was in hospital having grandma seizures during visitation and funeral), the most we do is short simple how are yas on myspace. Anyway Dannielle said Suzette told her she was about five mo., now she had put on weight the last few mo. but it was all over not just tummy, but still even without an autopsy, the imbombing process would showed some sign at 4-5mo. wouldn't it, even if they don't imbomb for cremation wouldn;t 4-5 mo. show just laying naked on the table, this is when i got very angry and did yell, at 4-5 mo. if we had known maybe something could have been done to save thye baby and i would still have a part of her here, if only some one had told me before, they were great, they sat quietly while i yelled and cryed, then we moved on. I feel it was a great visit, i feel like a weight has been lifted, we were able to get through this and still luv each other and understand. I have to say it was wonderfull to sit down with these 2 all day(here 6 1/2 hrs) and be able to talk about Suzette with out eye rolls or subject change or suddenly have to leave, and to be able to take the mask off! I even slept all nite, first time since accident, I feel good this am.  I have also made a decision to go to Il for a week(5 days), my sis left all their winter cloths here when they moved back, so i will take the train(yes train) pack as much of their clothes as i can in my 2 allowed suitcases and put my stuff in my carry on and make the trip back home, I have been dreading seeing everyone there who couldn't come to the fureral and go through all the "i'm sorry's and what happened" again, but i feel strong-today anyway- and i can do this, i can. My friend Julie's daughter who has been in Korea in the service is coming home today too(married and preg., hubby still in Korea) so i am looking forward to seeing her it has been almost 2 yrs.  I must go now and spend time with David(my David) has he is waiting for me so we can cook a simple brunch together(just us 2 here), then it's on to the in-laws for double b-day party, and a trip to the store first has i haven't even got present yet. I want to thank everyone again for being patient with me during my "dark time" and to appoligize for not being here to give ya'll support back, I'm back now(i think) for a while, don't know how much i'll be on in IL but will try to be on some.   luv and hugs to all and to all a good day