Suzette's b-day is 18th of this mo., the same day school starts too. I want to da a balloon release but can't seem to wrap my brain around this enough get any plans started, I feel like planning a party she will not physically be at is to much of an admission to myself that she will really never be here physically again. How can you know something with every fiber of your being and not be able to believe it. I am partially afraid, i think too, that if i don't do something she will be forgotten. I am afraid to be alone that day, but afraid to be around anyone either.   I have been thinking aand thinking of memories of Suzette and right now they all revolve around my guilt of not saying the right thing, react the right way, everytime i said no ...... which of course neither one of us come out sounding to good in them, but there is one that tells you how independant she was at such a early age. When she was 3 she had just gotten her trike and got in trouble (don't remember why) she was grounded to her room for the afternoon, she told me "I will be out riding my bike today", well little later she goes into the bathroom and doesn't come out, she had opened the window leading to the deck, pushed out the screen and was out there riding her bike! I always got a kick out of telling her about the first (and only to my knowledge) time she snuck out of the house.  Am supposed to see counsler tomorrow, really hoping she doesn't call in again, starting to feel like it's personal. Stephen was released from counsling yesterday. He has been saying things like do i have to go, just kidding. So i asked him how he felt about it (cousler has been saying he's flying thru the grief thing) he said he doesn't know if he's supressing or over it but it doesn't bother him. Made sure sounsler felt he was niot supressing and that he is self aware enough to know if he needs help again she said yes, so will keep close eye on hinm.   Need to get going, hope all have good day/nite. luv and hugs