First of all let me say thanks for all the care over the weekend and i am sorry again for not being on here.   I am still not feeling up to a long story but will try to give a short version. My hubby is a struggling alcoholic and has been trying to quit for about 3 1/2 yr, He started drinking at age 7 and has never learned how to deal with things so this is very hard for him. When he's sober he is everything i could ask for, drinking he is a happy go lucky guy, drunk he gets stupid, not mean just stupid, annoying ect... and at times wants to try to find a guy to fight to relieve tension. It is ahrd to try to figure out his moods and where each drunk is going, and he was even suicidal for a while. He knows after he is drunk he talks stupid and does stupod things, why does he not realize they're stupid when he's drunk, 90% of time i can talk him down when he gets stupid, but i just don't have the energy to do it anymore. Of course he is a guy and thinks he can handle/control this, and only drink occasionaly, it's a big circle-start out drinking occasionally, more often, more often til it's a dailey thing, then a couple days of drunk stupidity, huge arguement(fights lately) and start over again, I cann not physically do it any more. He is saying things he's never said before this time about needing help. I don't understand acoholism, don't pretend to, have asked him to explain which of course he can't in a way i understand, other than to compare with smoking, but that doesn't alter my mood(unless i'm out-lol). I have tried everything i can to support him in whatever way he needs, but i can't do it anymore. I feel so selfish, it's not my problem, i can't quit for him, i wasn't around the first time he was allowed to drink, or not punished when he did or however it started, I'm just the one stuck dealing with it now. His hole family are alcoholics, every one of them, friends too of course.  We'll see how it goes this time, My viows say for better or worse, this is deffinately the woorst i can imagine. I know he under a lot of pressure now too, trying not to say or do wrong thing around me ect....but come on. This time i have cursed him, yelled at him, cursed him, screamed at him, cursed him(like a sailor). I even said i should have left a long time ago, went back to Il. and maybe Suzette would still be here then(not many curves in central Il.). WHAT???? I even told him i knew i was being selfish but everything should be about me, I just lost my only daughter. WHAT???? When did this all become about me? I was raised to put other loved ones needs before your own, put yourself in others shoes and walk in them ect....Where has all this come from. Hubby says he just can't seem to get his head on straight, I said at least it's just his head, my whole body inside out feels broke, only way i can figure to describe it, just broke. I told him to imagine all the stages of death hitting him everyday in different orders .... and pretend like it's ok, then add, all boys dr., counsling ect...(he doesn't go with), then add Davids problems, worrry about Stephen being at collage, his B.S. and pretend to be ok, then add the in-laws over everyday and the B.S. that goews with that and pretend to be ok  ect...there was a lot more i don't remember now but i had never broke it down like that before, boy do we have a lot on our plates ladies it's a wonder we're not alll in a nuthouse.    Well so much for short version. Anyway, Stephen's visit went well, didn't go exactly has planned, rain....but was still a good time. Fireworks fri. nite in town, bowling and our own fireworks Sat. Hubby told Stephen he had been drinking and being stupid so for now he and i were living together as friends instead of hubby and wife, Stephen said he's ok with that has long as we're still in same house. David. of course is loving having me all to himself.    Anyway a good day to all              luv and hugs