well, here it is Mon. am, another week to get thru, yes i said week not day-yea me-, days are still hard but am trying to expand to weeks. Why is it so hard for my daily brain to acknowledge she is gone, filling out some cards and paperwork and so used to putting her name after mine, been that way 18 yrs, cried everytime had to cross it out(some legal papers), why when my whole being is so aware of her not being here do i just "forget" at times. I know it's a matter of habit that i would probably be doing if she had just moved out.   Hubby had a bad day yesterday, bad when got up then got to work and heard a Spanish/english song on radio that Suzette had to learn for Spanish class shortly before..., and was bawling like a baby, In front of work buddy that was here last nite, Why do men think it is a sign of weakness to cry?, luckly this particular friend has been around long enough this was not the first time he's seen hubby cry, Anyway hubby was talking about having to put a smile on and play host, I say that's the mask i talk about wearing everyday for David, in-laws, company, ect...He says he knows how hard it is for him to manage and deal with having only known her last 5 yrs(how long we've been together), he can't imagine how i get out of bed everyday and put this mask on, and no wonder i am so tired and strained by the time eve comes around, how do i do that(prozac helps). I really don't know how i do it either other than i just have to.  Cookout wasn't too bad last nite, ham was precooked(yea), and they didn't invite anyone else this time so just us. Apparently hubby was watching me and June sit and not say much, he says you 2 really just don't have anything common, do ya?, Ya think, I have been telling you that for, let's see, 5 yrs now, and really the only thing we have ever had in common was we both love to watch movies, which I have not been doing much of so....Don't get me wrong, i like her, she is very nice and both have been there numerous times for us(watching boys at midnite so we could go i.d. Suzette, ect.... big stuff), but there is just nothing in common, short visits are good, cookouts not so much. But at least it was just the 2 of them and they were gone by 7:30 or so.   I know i'm rambling again, just so hard to figure this new life out, and so tired of trying, I like hubby's idea, why can't there be a pill we just take and poof wake up when this is dealable. I am missing her so much lately, it feels like there is this hole inside me that just keeps getting bigger and bigger,.....my chest hurts so bad, but feels empty, I know this is probably all "normal" but I AM SO TIRED OF TRYING TO DO IT.    Hoping all have a good day, and hugs to each one of ya for helping me stay(kinda) sane, I don't know how i would make it without all your luv and support. THANKS