First of all let me say thank you to everyone for your support and love, it was what got me to that grad.  I was surprised and hurt that the school was refusing to have any mention of Suzette, "it is a time of joy and moving on for the seniors, not a time for remembering loss" every idea they had was shot down, the kids carried pink roses for her and that was it. They did have her name and pic in paper and her name on the program and i am grateful for that, but i didn't relize til they skipped right over her name how much i had wanted to hear her name, and we left after they skipped her. I was also lucky we sat by Cassie and Aaron and i played with Aaron through most, so i something else to help occupy my brain while we were there.  Suzette's exfriend Brandy came out yesterday to let me know they planted a prototype, not on the market yet rose bush called rock-n-roll, it is a pink, red and white bloom, out at the accident site. I don't know if i will ever make it out there to see it but they showed me a pic of a bloom and it is beautiful. Anyway what is great about that is Suzette and Brandy used to be very close then Brandy started dating a guy who was controlling, mentally, not physically and they had fought bad over Suzette not wanting her to date him, Last year it came to a head, and they had not really talked since, Brandy told me she broke up with him in March, she said it took that long to realize Suzette(and everyone) was right about him. Suzette would be so happy to know that.  What a busy day yesterday, 7 adults and 10 kids over for family bbq that was decided without me yesterday am, they were all here from 10am to about 9pm. My migrane med came in too, Maxalt, and i took one, it helped my migrane but numbed my whole brain and i spent most of the day just laying on the couch with my eyes shut, everyone kept asking if i was ok-HELLL NO-sure, just took that pill is what i told them. It is so true what i have seen written on here about wearing a mask and yesterday i just couldn't put it on. Another first today if i'm allowed. Everyone is going fishing and i want to stay here all by myself, no kids, just me, I think i am ready we'll see if hubby agrees. Isn't it awful to not even trust your own judgement on things like this. You all have convinced me to try going to counsling, thank you. I will see mon. if the boys counsler can also see me, she has offered before so she should be able to.  Thank you to evryone again for the love and support only my friends here know how to give, couldn't make it without all of you. And a silver linning is that my head doesn't hurt near as bad today after taking that pill yesterday.