I went to visit Cassie(Suzette's best friend) and Aaron(Suzette's godson) yesterday, I haven't heard from her since i didn't react the way she expected when she told me she was preg. again, she has been so sick with "all day sickness" that she had to quit her job and with gas the way it is they don't have enough to come out very often, it was nice to see them but it seemed strained, whether it was me or her i don't know. I also have been thinking of Danielle(the friend in the accident with Suzette) alot, I guess she has quit school(she was a junior and 18 yrs old), don't know what happened there, and moved out of town, I have been hearing that she was upsetting kids at school by blaming that night on Suzette, she was the reason they were out that night and although they visited Danielle's friend at work and went out to eat at Danielles favorite resturant it was all Suzette's fault. I feel angry at Danielle now, I love her almost like my own but she has always been one of those people who are perpetual victems, and wants the attention and caring that goes with that and i just can't do it for her this time. I should call her cell phone and see if it's still on, I care and worry about her but can't bring myself to try and call. I know my anger has nothing to do with her, if Suzette said let's go out, Danielle would have said ok, she doesn't say no, so whoever is to blame for them being out the fact is she is still here and Suzette is not and that makes me angry, I don't understand it and wouldn't want it to be the other way either, but i can't help but wonder why she let Suzette drive after dark and if things would be different if Danielle had drove. I know i can drive myself crazy with all the what ifs but they are there. I had a friend tell me if it was her time it was her time and would i have rather it happened at home in front of us. I do believe it was meant to be, because i really believe it or because i have to believe it, I'm not sure but so many things point that way. The fact that she was driving, the tree she hit was the only one for quarter mile either way, seat belt kept her upright when hitting tree on top of car right above her head, and tree was only 12 in. wide, but once again feeling it was meant to be does not help my pain. People tell me she is in a better place, she is perfect now ect...does not help me not to miss her body being here with us. I miss her terribly, I miss having an ali in the family of 3 guys, I feel lost, but at least i am feeling something again, don't know if it's the prozac or denial that keeps me from feeling so much of the time and when i do allow myself to really think about it my chest hurts so bad it feels like it will explode, then i just push it all back down til next time. I think between mothers day, my moms angel day, graduation, and our yearly camping for memorial weekend(the only one she would go on) is just too much of an overload for me. I am constantly battling between skipping stuff cause i don't feel up to it and doing stuff i don't want to so the boys don't miss out, that's another thing and i know it is my doing to deal right now, and that i still have 3, but i used to have "kids" and now i have "boys". Just a down day with too much thinking, my hubby says i think and analize to much anyway, now if i could only learn not to do that.  Well that's my jumbled thoughts for the day, thanks again for all who listen, you make my days. luv to all.