another day

Let me start by saying i spent 2 hours yesterday pouring my heart out in a journal and some how lost it-urg!! I decided to wait and start over today. i am feeling pretty good that i was left home alone yesterday for the first time and I MADE IT!! Stephen was here recouping but slept most of day, he is doing great from surgery. My sis and family(who live with us since...)went to illinois for the weekend and it has been strange but kinda nice to be just us. It worked well that they moved in because getting back to normal was a different normal and it gave me a sence of having "company" that got me out of bed everyday, but sis is my little(6yrs)sis and the youngest of 4(2 older bro)and is used to me taking care of her and has no idea what to do to help me, so i was pushing myself to be up doing things, then i got sick and was in bed 2 days the last half of the 2nd day i felt better but just didin't feel like getting up, and i took some advice from here and didn't push myself to do too much and sis came to me crying that she thought i was giving up and couldn't do it all herself, this hurt me deeply because i really felt i was doing good, other than the 2 days i have been doing laundry, we clean the house together, take turns planning and cooking dinner, and really felt that as someone who sorta knows what i am feeling(sis lost fullterm girl in 02), she would understand a little down me time. i waited a day and talked to her-when she lost morgan she had a goal to be preg again asap and had Kole 1 yr later almost to the day and i can't have another 18 yr old to help ease the pain and i tried to explain that as my only daughter i am also mourning the loss of all the things mothers and daughters do together. I know she is under stress feeling like the "big sis" for once, but it really hurt me to think i was doing so well then be told i'm not doing my share. Hubby says do what i need to do and the rest will work out, but i am a worry wart and have always put everyone else first. So now i feel this pull to be "normal" and to close up, i would like to be able to spend more time on here but when i did sis kept worrying i was on here too much in and out of room checking, i do know myself well enough to know i could get lost on here with all of you for hours, but if the boys are at school and hubby at work is that a bad thing if i feel i need it.  I feel like i am getting lost somewhere in being consumed with missing Suzette and trying to appear ok, the prozac seems to help me just retreat into myself and go through the motions but as more time goes on everyone else seems to be moving on and i still feel like they just knocked on the door last night everyday feels like it lasts a week yet it feels no time has pasted at all. I can't believe it is April and i have no basic memory of feb or march(including both boys b-days).