better day

today is a better day, it's always easier during school cause she wasn't home then anyway. I have to think of how lucky i am, I have my sister living here with her family-they had planned to move here from Illinios, my brother-in-law was to go on a mill job out of town with my husband the wk-end this happened, they were to move in fri. and leave on the job sun but this happened the wed. before so they didn't go on the job and are still living here. It has been so helpfull to have them here so getting back to "normal" is a whole different "normal" and while sometimes i feel like a little kid there are enough adults here that i never have to be alone i think too much when i'm alone. Suzette was born with craniostinosis and had head surgery at 4 mo.old which left her with a lazy right eye which the brain quit using and she was what is concidered legally blind in that eye, for that reason, we never let her drive at night. She did noit have her license because i believed she should have4 a job to pay her share of ins., car, gas ect.. She struggled with school, is A.D.H.D. and doesn't like "people" so she wasn't working. We let her drive country roads but never at night. We are very close and she had stayed the night before at Dannielles house(she had her own place), and they decided to try living together, but she had not seen us or talked to us since the day before and wanted to come see us and pick up some stuff. On the way back to Dannielles, at night, she was driving too fast, missed the curve, off the road, flipped, hit a 12 in tree right at her head, broke the tree over and rolled, the police report said it was about 150 feet from start to end. how do i get that image from my head, how do i remind my boys to wear their seatbelts when their sister would probably still be alive if she hadn't worn hers. I have convinced myself that she could be a vegtable or suffered in hosp. for days but in my brain i know she probably would have been ok. how do i get past the guilt of feeling like the values of close family, following the law of seatbelts, and trying to protect her with driving killed her. and at the same time i feel like it was her time, the only curve on that road and the only tree for quarter mile each side, no seatbelt, 5 in. either side of hitting would have saved her. it is so much to handle and try to sort out and in the end none of that matters cause it happened the way it did and now i'm here trying to cope with my brain constantly going in 100 different directions while screaming "I WANT MY DAUGHTER BACK" i lost both my parents my mom May 94 to cancer and my dad nov. 94 he went in the hosp. for rash treatment of reaction to new med, went into resp. arrest and then his heart just stopped, i knew it was comming with both of them, mom had been saying she was "tired of fighting it, just tired"  and my dad kept talking of dreams of death and "not feeling right" after mom died, i missed them and it hurt but they were older and suffering that made it easier i think, i try to think of ways she's better off not having to go through all the struggles and hurts of life and that heaven needs children too but how many children does my family have to give, in 95 me, my sister and my sis-in-law all misscarried(mine was a molar preg.) and then in 01 my sister lost a full term daughter, how many children must we give. As ya can tell my brain just jumps from one thing to another and i am so mad at myself for feeling like i'm a one person pity party. Does your brain ever sort all this out? and do the "good days" ever get better than this?