i love how memorys always have a way of sneaking up behind you and biteing you on the ass. like holy crap im being stalked my bipolar disorder AND my exboyfriend.  ITS DRIVING ME CRAZY everywhere i go theres something to remind me. seriously im so paranioid. my mom was just singing, thats it. she was just singing and i freaked out because she always sings during a manic episode. always sings. but it scared me so badly, i was freaking out and crying and shit and i couldnt make myself be rational. it was so scary. and this was sunday night and it freaked me out so much i had to miss school the next day cause i was just so off.  oh and im having a really hard time getting my mom to refill her bp meds. like it took me two weeks to get her to make the appointment and now im still having to really nag her about going and picking them up. but i guess i should just be happy that i noticed she wasnt taking them anymore. i didnt know that was something i was going to have to monitore. i guess she hasent been on them for over a month now. she just doesnt get how importiant it is to keep on them. ITS SO GOD DAMN FRUSTRATING. she promised that she was going to pick them up tomorrow. but thats what she said about today and yesterday to soo idk wats going to happen.....  haha ohhhhand then theres this thing with my ex. i found out he was cheating on mewhile he was fucking me fucking bastard. i wish i had never figured it out. it hurts so bad to know. i loved him so much, or i thought i did and i wanted no NEEDED him to love me to. even when he hurt me i needed him to love me. so i let him fuck me. and all the while he was cheating on me. i feel so stupid. I AM SO STUPID. i let him treat me like crap. and I did that. me. i feel disgustingand soo so sadand i was doing so well not thinking about him, i almost felt happyand then i get this call form one of his friends at TWO AM. and this friend just wants to talk. of course i hung up on him but all the memorys came flooding back. everysinglemoment. I WANT MY VIGINITY BACK. but i cant have back. luke and his dirty little hands and his dirty little dick will always have a part of me. he was just so mean and i feel like such a little kid. im so young and ive never been more aware of that. i became that girl. the one from the broken home looking for her daddys love where ever she could get it. it makes me sick. and i know im ranting alittle bit BUT IM PISSED OFFat meat himat my momat bipolar disoreder just in generalim so angry but there is also so many good things that are going on, i do have a new bf. his name is casey. and he is sooo nice. he doesnt do drugs. and hes going REALLY slow. i feel like theres no preasure to do anything sexually. we usually just sit there and hang out. we laugh alot. and he bakes!!!! he brings me cookies at school and this moring he brought me breakfast. hes just so diffrentnice but my god im scared. luke hurt me so badly and i know that casey is and entirly diffrent person but i cant help freaking out a little bit. me and luke have been broken up for about three months and im only just starting to deal with all the anger and memorys he left.  casey is a nicer person than luke was. hes a happier person. i need happy, i also need to stop comparing the two guys together. even if its all in caseys favor.  but when casey first kissed me i actually got scared. my heart started beating really fast and i didnt want to stop necissarily but i kept on thinking about what happend before and it scared me. luke was always so demanding and ive never kissed anyother guy but luke. and i feel like im not being fair to casey. not that i've told him any of this.  nope im jsut going crazy on the inside :P  idk all i know is that i really like casey. hes my friend. i'll just have to wait and see what happens i guess