i'm so confused, about idk everything i guess. mostly my mom and mostly her diagnosis, which i only just found out about a year ago. which seems dumb to me since i've been the one whos had to deal with her and take care of things since i was nine. i know everyone was just trying to protect me, i am after all only sixteen, but still. i'm a firm beliver that knowing about thing and being able to put a name to something as frightning as bipolar disorder makes it that much less scary.      i'm hurting so badly right now, i dont even know were to begin, it feels weird righting in this journal. its like i'm talking to air. but maybe thats what i need right now.      my mom has bipolar disorder and it gets realy bad sometimes, like she gets realy manic and has these psycotic episods that i cant even begin to describe. but she had a manic episode two weeks ago and i feel like almost everyones moveing on from it except for me. i feel like i've just been left here to pick up the peices of me that were left behind in the dust. its like everyone expects me to just forget that i had to tie up my own mother with a dogleash because we were afraid that she was going to hurt us. everyone wants me to forget the five hours i spent in the hospital just trying to get her to sleep. i want to forget so badly, but i cant. i want to forgive my mom more than anything but i dont know whats wrong with me. it hurts so much, but this is all to much to put into one journal entrie and i'm starting to lose it so i better end it here. and you know i actualy do feel a little better. i have no idea who will see this or who will care but its like i'm finaly admitting that somethings wrong