Random thoughts
The other day I posted about who I used to be, I've had some things happen in the last few days that really got me to thinking. As I posted on my bio, I love to write. So I wrote the following. If anyone can relate or has had the same problems or situations will you please comment so that I can know I'm not the only one. Please
Explaination
How can I explain to people that used to know me, that I'm not the same person you used to know. My whole life has changed and that person that you knew is no longer. The core of who I am I pray will never change. I will still try to be the best person I know how to be, I'm constantly seek after God to improve. I will still want to help if you need me, I will still give if it's in my power, I will still care and show you that I do, but I've changed in ways that it's hard to explain.Loving Johnny and being loved by him taught me to treasure each day, to not get so caught up in things that will distract me from showing that love, it gave me a greater appreciation of who I am and who I want to be. I once heard a quote that said "Live your life so that you will have a big funeral." I want to be that person, I want to be the kind of woman that my husband was man.Growth is change, I've heard that too, and I've grown so much in the eight years that I spent with Johnny, but losing him has changed me too. Where before I had him to to love me, take care of things, to protect me, I don't have that any more, for lack of a better way to put it, I've had to learn to become mean. When people try to bully me or manipulate me, I am learning to stand up for myself. I cannot be that sweet little "please run all over me" person anymore. Honestly I wouldn't want to be. Would you? I've heard people say, wow she's changed, I've even had someone tell me sarcastically "Johnny would be so proud of you" because I refuse to let people intimadate or try to run over me. My question to that is, would you be doing to me what you're doing to me if Johnny was still here?I'll be honest and tell you that was one of the lowest blows I've ever known. I've also had people compare the loss of my Johnny to someone who lost a member of their family. I'm not comparing apples to apples here, but losing a spouse is totally different from loosing you dad. I can say this because I can ask this question and if your honest you can answer in your own heart. Did you ever make love to this person and just enjoy the essense of what you just shared, did you ever after making love to them just lay in their arms to discuss your dreams, your hopes, sometimes just the days events. Did you ever just look so forward to going home because you knew that they would be there waiting for you, so you refreshed your make up and you brush your hair because you want to look your best for them, and you couldn't wait to see them? I used to just listen to Johnny snore, by his snoring I would know what kind of day he had and how tired he was. By the look on his face I could tell you how much he loved me, when he was happy, mad, upset, or aggravated. Sometimes I would just sit in his lap and listen to his heart beat. There is so much more that I could say, for those of you who share an intimate relationship you know what I'm talking about, and for you who just play at romance I want to tell you to STOP, realize that true love is out there, quit selling yourself short and just wait, learn to love yourself, be the kind of person that you want to find.My life has changed, I no longer have that, the intimacy, the care, the protection. So I'm learning. I may not like some of the ways I'm changing, I don't like being mean, but I will say this if you bring out that part of me, you better beware. My husband taught me well.If you think I can be manipulated and pushed around, you better think again. I'm coming into my own now. I'm learning to merge who I used to be with who I'm becoming. I have a long way to go still but I say this, I am still nice, I am still kind, I still love people and life, but I WILL NO LONGER BE PUSHED AROUND! So in that aspect of things I've changed and am changing, and I don't mind those changes.Please understand, the core of who I am, hasn't changed I've just had to change, to grow, to learn. My name is Debbie Neeley and this is who I am.
Explaination
How can I explain to people that used to know me, that I'm not the same person you used to know. My whole life has changed and that person that you knew is no longer. The core of who I am I pray will never change. I will still try to be the best person I know how to be, I'm constantly seek after God to improve. I will still want to help if you need me, I will still give if it's in my power, I will still care and show you that I do, but I've changed in ways that it's hard to explain.Loving Johnny and being loved by him taught me to treasure each day, to not get so caught up in things that will distract me from showing that love, it gave me a greater appreciation of who I am and who I want to be. I once heard a quote that said "Live your life so that you will have a big funeral." I want to be that person, I want to be the kind of woman that my husband was man.Growth is change, I've heard that too, and I've grown so much in the eight years that I spent with Johnny, but losing him has changed me too. Where before I had him to to love me, take care of things, to protect me, I don't have that any more, for lack of a better way to put it, I've had to learn to become mean. When people try to bully me or manipulate me, I am learning to stand up for myself. I cannot be that sweet little "please run all over me" person anymore. Honestly I wouldn't want to be. Would you? I've heard people say, wow she's changed, I've even had someone tell me sarcastically "Johnny would be so proud of you" because I refuse to let people intimadate or try to run over me. My question to that is, would you be doing to me what you're doing to me if Johnny was still here?I'll be honest and tell you that was one of the lowest blows I've ever known. I've also had people compare the loss of my Johnny to someone who lost a member of their family. I'm not comparing apples to apples here, but losing a spouse is totally different from loosing you dad. I can say this because I can ask this question and if your honest you can answer in your own heart. Did you ever make love to this person and just enjoy the essense of what you just shared, did you ever after making love to them just lay in their arms to discuss your dreams, your hopes, sometimes just the days events. Did you ever just look so forward to going home because you knew that they would be there waiting for you, so you refreshed your make up and you brush your hair because you want to look your best for them, and you couldn't wait to see them? I used to just listen to Johnny snore, by his snoring I would know what kind of day he had and how tired he was. By the look on his face I could tell you how much he loved me, when he was happy, mad, upset, or aggravated. Sometimes I would just sit in his lap and listen to his heart beat. There is so much more that I could say, for those of you who share an intimate relationship you know what I'm talking about, and for you who just play at romance I want to tell you to STOP, realize that true love is out there, quit selling yourself short and just wait, learn to love yourself, be the kind of person that you want to find.My life has changed, I no longer have that, the intimacy, the care, the protection. So I'm learning. I may not like some of the ways I'm changing, I don't like being mean, but I will say this if you bring out that part of me, you better beware. My husband taught me well.If you think I can be manipulated and pushed around, you better think again. I'm coming into my own now. I'm learning to merge who I used to be with who I'm becoming. I have a long way to go still but I say this, I am still nice, I am still kind, I still love people and life, but I WILL NO LONGER BE PUSHED AROUND! So in that aspect of things I've changed and am changing, and I don't mind those changes.Please understand, the core of who I am, hasn't changed I've just had to change, to grow, to learn. My name is Debbie Neeley and this is who I am.
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