Happiness
Okay, this last week there has been a lot of talk about happiness (rebuilding it). And it go me thinking about this last year or so of my life.
We had been married 33 years, 4 months, 22 days when Mark died on a Sunday evening. We had a service 8 days later. 3 days after the service, I chose to return to work.
About a month after Mark's death, I decided to check out a drop-in support group that the hospice runs. Most of the evening, I sat and wondered what was wrong with everyone. Everyone was so sad and depressed and depressing. Our loved ones had been in hospice. We all knew that their time on earth was limited. Had they really not prepared?
Or is there something wrong with me? Because, while I was (still am) sad and lonely, I could not say I was unhappy. Can one be happy and sad at the same time? I did not rely on Mark to make me happy. For me, happiness comes from my experiences and how I react to them. Yes, Mark said and did things that brought me happiness, but so do my children, my friends, my other family, my self.
So yes, I may be a little less happy in some ways, but other avenues have opened up - avenues I would not or could not pursue while Mark was alive. He needed me to be here for him, and I needed to be here for him. We were deeply committed to each other.
On the night Mark died, as I held him while he was actively dying, I promised him that I would be okay, that I loved him, and that I would miss him. But that I would be okay. So if I become unhappy, I will be breaking my promise to him.
Not every moment of every day is sunshine and roses. I am human. I mourn. I grieve. But I also survive, and laugh, and enjoy what life gives me.
And I am happy.
We had been married 33 years, 4 months, 22 days when Mark died on a Sunday evening. We had a service 8 days later. 3 days after the service, I chose to return to work.
About a month after Mark's death, I decided to check out a drop-in support group that the hospice runs. Most of the evening, I sat and wondered what was wrong with everyone. Everyone was so sad and depressed and depressing. Our loved ones had been in hospice. We all knew that their time on earth was limited. Had they really not prepared?
Or is there something wrong with me? Because, while I was (still am) sad and lonely, I could not say I was unhappy. Can one be happy and sad at the same time? I did not rely on Mark to make me happy. For me, happiness comes from my experiences and how I react to them. Yes, Mark said and did things that brought me happiness, but so do my children, my friends, my other family, my self.
So yes, I may be a little less happy in some ways, but other avenues have opened up - avenues I would not or could not pursue while Mark was alive. He needed me to be here for him, and I needed to be here for him. We were deeply committed to each other.
On the night Mark died, as I held him while he was actively dying, I promised him that I would be okay, that I loved him, and that I would miss him. But that I would be okay. So if I become unhappy, I will be breaking my promise to him.
Not every moment of every day is sunshine and roses. I am human. I mourn. I grieve. But I also survive, and laugh, and enjoy what life gives me.
And I am happy.
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