Starting Over
Hello my friends,
I am now rededicating myself to doing it right. As some of you may know in July 2014 I was hospitalized for 2 weeks with thoughts of suicide, followed by 2 weeks in an out patient program called Partial hospitalization. I taught several coping skills, and I found them very useful. I went back to work and was very stressed until my termination in October. When I was first terminated I need to spend some time screwing my head on straight (I actually think it was upside down).
Since the first of the year, I have been concentrating pretty much on finding employment. It's my first thought when I get up and the last thought when I go to bed. A couple weeks ago i determined I was not doing enough for the Knights of Columbus, so I stepped down from my position as PR Director.
I think it was last week I stayed in the whirl pool for considerably extended periods, hoping I would wake up in ED. Then Saturday I started developing some shortness of breath/chest pains, and spend the night in the ED observation unit. In the end it was a case of heart burn (this is the reason it's called heart burn).
Tuesday I had a networking meeting with someone at a local Wegmans. He didn't show (that's what I thought at first, I had the wrong Wegmans). I was a little bit nervous meeting this gentleman, and his "no-show" didn't help my self-esteem. On the way home the little voice was saying 'kill yourself. You're worthless." I am beginning to think of it as my alter ego, even though I am totally aware of him. Let's call it my evil twin. He was jumping in and out. I found my self looking for ways to do the deed, like running into a tree or a telephone pole, driving off a bridge, driving into a salt truck, even going home and hanging myself. I admitted to myself I needed some assistance, and called my wife. She in turn called 911 and the rest is history.
I thought I was going to be admitted, have my meds changed, and have a couple safe days in the hospital for my meds to take affect. The last Dr. I saw was suggesting discharging me to home and starting partial tomorrow. I accepted it but wasn't happy with it. I started shaking, started staring at the floor, and wanted to run my head into a wall. My wife and son spoke up and I spent the night in the Psychiatric ED unit.
Today I was discharged from ED and had my intake appointment at partial, which went well. I came to the conclusion that I have to start putting the minor things (like picking up the house and my clothes) higher on the priority list. In partial they talked about the ADD - the Activities of Daily Living. For a while I was good about taking care of my personal hygiene, but it was falling by the wayside. I also need to extend those ADDs to the "daily chores" around the house. For me it involves putting away my laundry, and picking up the living room. The reason is that I am usually very focused. At work it can be good, but when you are no longer enjoying life it is time to take a step back.
After partial in July I bought one or two of the books that were used. I found one of them. I'm sure those chapters will be gone over again. What I need to do is take an hour a day and spend some time working on my mental health, and another hour working on my music. The odd thing is I consider my music very important, but I don't practice enough.
So what I am determined to do is to learn the lesson of balance. Time for family and friends, time for myself, time for work, etc.
This is my Journey of Faith
Mike
I am now rededicating myself to doing it right. As some of you may know in July 2014 I was hospitalized for 2 weeks with thoughts of suicide, followed by 2 weeks in an out patient program called Partial hospitalization. I taught several coping skills, and I found them very useful. I went back to work and was very stressed until my termination in October. When I was first terminated I need to spend some time screwing my head on straight (I actually think it was upside down).
Since the first of the year, I have been concentrating pretty much on finding employment. It's my first thought when I get up and the last thought when I go to bed. A couple weeks ago i determined I was not doing enough for the Knights of Columbus, so I stepped down from my position as PR Director.
I think it was last week I stayed in the whirl pool for considerably extended periods, hoping I would wake up in ED. Then Saturday I started developing some shortness of breath/chest pains, and spend the night in the ED observation unit. In the end it was a case of heart burn (this is the reason it's called heart burn).
Tuesday I had a networking meeting with someone at a local Wegmans. He didn't show (that's what I thought at first, I had the wrong Wegmans). I was a little bit nervous meeting this gentleman, and his "no-show" didn't help my self-esteem. On the way home the little voice was saying 'kill yourself. You're worthless." I am beginning to think of it as my alter ego, even though I am totally aware of him. Let's call it my evil twin. He was jumping in and out. I found my self looking for ways to do the deed, like running into a tree or a telephone pole, driving off a bridge, driving into a salt truck, even going home and hanging myself. I admitted to myself I needed some assistance, and called my wife. She in turn called 911 and the rest is history.
I thought I was going to be admitted, have my meds changed, and have a couple safe days in the hospital for my meds to take affect. The last Dr. I saw was suggesting discharging me to home and starting partial tomorrow. I accepted it but wasn't happy with it. I started shaking, started staring at the floor, and wanted to run my head into a wall. My wife and son spoke up and I spent the night in the Psychiatric ED unit.
Today I was discharged from ED and had my intake appointment at partial, which went well. I came to the conclusion that I have to start putting the minor things (like picking up the house and my clothes) higher on the priority list. In partial they talked about the ADD - the Activities of Daily Living. For a while I was good about taking care of my personal hygiene, but it was falling by the wayside. I also need to extend those ADDs to the "daily chores" around the house. For me it involves putting away my laundry, and picking up the living room. The reason is that I am usually very focused. At work it can be good, but when you are no longer enjoying life it is time to take a step back.
After partial in July I bought one or two of the books that were used. I found one of them. I'm sure those chapters will be gone over again. What I need to do is take an hour a day and spend some time working on my mental health, and another hour working on my music. The odd thing is I consider my music very important, but I don't practice enough.
So what I am determined to do is to learn the lesson of balance. Time for family and friends, time for myself, time for work, etc.
This is my Journey of Faith
Mike
Replies
God bless you Mike, you will reach your goal. I wish you peace and blessings.
Hugs,
Sandy
hi Mike::: thank you for your journal entry. I\'m a follower of your link to your journey and know each day is a new step to a better life. It isn\'t easy but you have so much to plan for:: new goals, taking care of yourself, being with your family, helping others... all things you\'re written about and you\'ll get that passion back.
You wrote about the KofC ... just a bit.. will you write more for us to know what you\'re doing with that organization?
will be thinking of you and your family...
most certainly. in another blog.