mason came home over the weekend. it sucks having him here. i hate it at night especially! makes me feel like im 8 again. every time i hear someone in the hall my heart stops and i feel like i can't breath. he finally left tonight and now i feel like im shutting down. like my body did all that work to protect me and keep me safe and now it can't handle anything else, can't work right. this happends every time he comes over and leaves. and im almost 100 percent sure my parents are getting a divorce. it scares me cuz idk if my mom can handle being alone. especially when i leave for college. i want to go to LA and she wants me to stay here. it scares me being away from her cuz i know she wont take it well at all. but i can't change their decision and i can't make it for them i just have to deal with it. i have to know my mom will be ok when i leave. my family has been through to much. sometimes i think if i never would of told about the abuse maybe things would of been better. maybe my parents wouldn't be getting divorced. i also don't think i was a good enough kid. i tried to be really good, i never got in trouble with the law, other then my 3 speeding tickes lol, i tried hard in school, doing good in my sports, i don't give my parents any trouble, but it's still just wasn't good enough. not good enough to make my dad want to come home, for them to forget about the past and stay together. ugh idk. i know it's not really my fault but idk i feel it kind of is.  i just need help. need ppl to talk to.