well it's 3am right now n' im still awake! ugh i wish i were sleeping right now! i have drill team in the morning at 8 and i know i'll be way tired! i know one reason i can't sleep is because i have to coreograph the hip hop routine and it's been the only routine that we've taken to state drill team and i just want this dance to be way good and so i keep thinking of new stuff to do and i only have 4-8 counts made up but i keep think o how will that be with the music cuz i just added another 1-8 count tonight and havn't done it wit the music yet so i've been tempted to do it with the music but i just want to sleep but this dance thing isn't letting me cuz dance moves just keep going over and over in my head. ppl kind of think this dance will be good because they  see me as like the hip hop girl like i can move my body like a hip hop dancer...and so they kind of have high expectations i think idk. everythign will be ok. had a meeting wit my counselor on wednesday...joy. mom went with...this will be the second meeting she's gone with. at this one i had to tell my mom why i resented her. i don't think it did any good. i would say something n' she'd be like i don't remember saying that or she'll defend herself or her reasoning and that would be that. i told her i resented her cuz a while ago like when this all came out i asked for a counselor n' mom said to just talk wit mason n' work it out ourselves....n' that same night i brought up family counseling as well n' she defended him n' said no that wouldn't be good for mason right now with going to iraq n' having problems wit his girlfriend...she was like oh i don't remeber that conversation at all..i very well could of said that. ugh! she did appologize but i don't care because she claims she don't remember it! so it doesn't mean anything to me that she appologized. she just keep being defensive n' argueing with everything i said. i told her that another reason i resented her was cuz she told me i couldn't talk about this to anyone but my neighbore girl. and she was like i don't feel that everyone has a right to know about out family issues! r u kidding me?!? is this about her or about me? i have the right to tell or not to tell! she can't tell me that i'm only allowed to talk to one persone about what happend to me! ugh! i was so mad when she said that. i was like but i had no one no one to talk to n' you had your sisters! and she was like you had me. n' i said maybe i didn't want to talk to you about this i wanted to talk to someone else. and she just sat there. ugh!!! i'm so sick of her!!  it was brought up again the fact that i over her tell dad she didn't believe me. n' she was like did you hear the whole conversation? do you really know what was being said? n' i was like no i didn't hear the whole conversation because i know it's wrong to listen in on someone's conversations that's why i left and stop listening! i was like do you even know why i went up stairs? do you know what i was doing? n' she was like no....n' i said ya you don't because you just started yelling and wouldn't let me tell you so i just stoped trying and just agreed. she didn't even ask y i was up there...i went up after eating because i wanted to get my ihome so i could listen to my music while i shot some hoops out side n' over heard...stoped n' listen then i felt bad cuz i know that's wrong so i left came back stoped again then heard mom say it n' it wasn't like i can't right as she said in my heart of hearts i don't believe her no i was there for a lil bit where i could hear a lil more before we got to that part n' then i left cuz i was way upset but does she know that? NO!! n' she wont cuz she's trying to look like a good mother n' trying to hid the fact she said it by yelling at me for listening in on her conversations n' that it's wrong n' disrespectful n' that she'd never do that to me! ugh she makes me so fucking mad!!!!  srry i know that this was long but i hadn't written in a while n' needed to get it all out! thanks for listening!!