This is really long just to let you know I just needed to kind of get it all out I guess.   I have a meeting with my counselor tomorrow! I’m so scared. I don’t want to go. My body has been twitching for the past few day’s because I’m so nervous for this. My body did this when I found out mason was coming home sooner than what I had thought. I hate it cuz my body is tense all the time and it twitches so when I finally get up to move my body is numb for I get dizzy and stuff, ugh not cool. I’m nervous cuz it’s at 8 in the am and 2 I have to go to school after so that’s not cool  3 I have a game tomorrow night and 4 I have to leave for state drill team after the game and I just want to be able to concentrate on the game and stuff and not the counseling. I’m also scared cuz like I said in my other journal she’s going to re build me and I know it wont all happen tomorrow but I’m scared to let her start cuz once she does there’s no going back. I don’t like to feel vulnerable and I don’t like to let people in because I’m scared they’ll think I’m not perfect and I know there’s no such thing as perfect but I want to be perfect and mostly I want people to think I am even if I know I’m not I want them to and having them know I’m not and having them know about my mess up’s makes me crazy sometimes. I don’t want people to know that. I don’t want people to know I’m scared; I don’t want to seem weak. I hate letting people down that is the hardest thing for me so I want to be what people think I am. Idk if this all makes sense or not but idk. Idk what to do, I know I need to let my guard down because it will only help me but idk how to. I really don’t. I’ve had it up so long that it’s hard to bring it down and when I do it’s for a few seconds and then I put it right back up. I just don’t want to get hurt. One of the things my counselor said was that I have a soft heart and I do, and to go along with that she said that I don’t handle rejection well and that’s very true. It could be the smallest think like not being asked to hang out with a group of people but for some reason it will bug me and it will hurt. Granted I get over the little things but idk. Like I just don’t handle rejection well at all but I try to act like it’s all right, that’s all I ever do is act. I just feel like if I be the way I wanted to be people would think I were being a baby and it’s prolly right. But one think I just thought about was that to go along with the “interrupted” think in my other journal I didn’t learn how to control my feeling’s and how to not let things bother me with out putting up a wall to pretend I’m ok. I’m the way I am because I never learned how to talk about my feelings and how to control them and be how I want to be. I don’t really mind how I am I just wish I didn’t put so much stress on myself I guess. I just think how I would be today if the abuse never happened? Would I be able to communicate with people better? Would I be able to handle the rejection better? Idk.