well i'm going to go and see my aunt on the 18th through the 20th with my mom and i'm bringing a friend.i guess it will be nice to get away and stuff and i havent seen her in forever but ya. i have to work today at 11:30 to 4:30 :( that make me sad lol. my emotion's have been everything and it's driving me crazy. like i'm happy but then i become sad again and then i'm scared and it's just all over. it's like everytime i feel happy i bring myself back to feeling sad. idk, maybe im scared of being happy. this is prolly gonna sound weird or whatever but i don't really know what being happy it really, like ya of course i do everyone does but it's like i can't let myself go there so it's only like for a few second's. it's like feeling like crap and being this way is what i truely know so it's weird and scary to be anyother way. like being like this is all i know. maybe that's why i can't move on why i keep being like this, maybe it's me. i keep putting myself back into all this crap and that's why i havent been able to heal or anything. but i mean i don't know how else to live.i'm so use to feeling like shit and feeling scared and alone and all this that it's who i am almost or who i think i am. i have my guard up and so no one can help me and i can't ask for help. i don't even know how to let someone help me. i'm so use to doing everything on my own and being the one to get myself out of the slump to keep my head up to keep moving in life. people can try and help and they can try and keep me movitvated but it doesn't sink in, i have to do it. i hate that, i wish i could just let someone help me for once to let myself become completely voulnerable and let people in but i can't. i don't want to be hurt. i'm tired of being like this, i'm tired of making myself do everything. i use to think i had to, that no one else would do it but maybe i didn't give them the chance to do it. idk
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I know what you mean about not letting yourself/ knowing how to let your self be happy. Its something to learn...Im still learning how to do it...and im not all that good at it yet. It will come, I promise it will come
What you\'ve said is honest and makes a lot of sense. We become use to being a certain way and then it becomes comfortable because it seems normal. Sometimes change for the better is very difficult because of that unknown aspect. You understand all of this. When you get tired enough, and it sounds like your close, you\'ll let go of the past.
sorry hit the wrong button a couple of times i think we try to keep our selves from feeling happy so that nobody else can take that happiness away from us
Hello. Your journal was a really great insight to yourself. Once you are at this point, where u r seeing your behavior, and not liking it, the next step is inevitably to change it. I was where u r b4. U might start making little efforts, and letting yourself be happy a little longer each time until u get used to it and prefer it. It\'s hard and you can\'t force it, but it will naturally begin to happen because u sound ready. Im praying for you, and I foresee good times to come for you. You are growing up and maturing. Love u! Nichole