well so i pissed off my mom once again, grrrrr! i cant do nothing right, i'm a screw up! i was in the computer room and started walking up stairs and my mom was like r u done in the computer room and i said not really she most not of heard me so she asked again and i said it agin and louder. she still didn't hear me and said it again and i said i'm going to shower then prolly get on. and then i asked why and she just said never mind or something and got pissed and looked back at the tv. grr that girl makes me mad alot. i don't know why i feel this need to get her approvle. i think it might be because i don't think she believes me and i want her to and so idk. but even if she did/didn't why do i keep going ot her and keep getting hurt? why do i do this? i know how it will turn out but yet i keep going to her. i think some of it is that i believe people can change and so i'm hopeing that maybe she will and start helping me. she only is now because i started going to my dad and not her. and i like going to my dad, he's more helpful and is willing to listen to me and wantes me to get better unlike her.
i've alway's been second or third in my family. since my brother alway's got in trouble my parents spent most their time with them and going to court and all that. it has hard on them and they got tired of doing i so there really wasn't much time or energy left for me. which whateve they needed time for themself's after dealing with my brother's but it just kind of sucked. Most the time i got birthday party's but there were sometimes where it just didn't work out because either my parents were to tired or they had to go and spend time in court with my brothers. on one of my brithday's my brothers had a court date and it was to decide what the court was gonna do to them. my mom told them to wish me happy birthday becauase they coudl be going to jail. they never did, but we did have to have a family counselor who didn't involve me. i was able to do whatever i wanted, i usually didn't sit in and listen i was alway's like outside or up in my room. i was alway's asked to leave. that maked me back because i'm part of this family as well. then once it came out about what happend to me the lady had only like one secission left and came over and talked to me a lil and was like why didnt you tell me i could have been helping you and that stuff and i was just like well you never involved me in it so why would i? i didn' tsay that but that's what i was thinking.my 13th birthday i did not get a party. i will prolly never forget that just because it was kind of important to me because i was turing 13, kind of like a teenager so that was big. the weekend we planned it they coudn't because of my brothers. the next weekend my mom was too tired from dealing with my brothers. so i never got one :(. o well i get them now. i make my mom and pluse one brother is over in iraq and the other is doing better but when they are together they cause trouble.
man i miss the was things use to be. i miss the way my mom and i were. i was thinking of a time when i got mad because my mom couldn't go something wiht me because she had to be with my brother for like a court date or something so i got pissed and just told her how i felt. told her that they never have time for me and that i hated that. after i got done dancing for a performance (this was like 3 years ago i think) she took me to a city and we stayed in a hotel and went shopping and ate out somewhere special and it was just the two of us. now we can't even talk to eachother with out like getting pissed or mad. it's my fault that this all happend. if i had never told about it, if i had never told my mom none of this would be going on. i alway's wounder how my life would be if i hadn't told anyone. i keep trying to remember why i told. did i feel the need to tlak about it? was it really bothering me? cuz i never really knew what we were doing and i never knew if it was wrong so why did i tell? why did i have to cause my family so much pain. i should have keept my mouth shut. then my mom and i would be better and it wouldn't be so weird. people here wouldn't have to be carful around me and watch how they act and feel. no one in my family talks to me but like my brother and that's it. my dad try's to, he's trying to talk more now but idk. my mom tryes but i feel like she feel's like whatever she say's is wrong and that's partly my fault too. i don't think she could say or do anything that will make me happy. i have disconnected myself way to much from her now that idk what to do. i want to stop being like this to her but it's hard because of what she has put me through that i don't think it's fair for me to be like oh mom it's ok because really it's not. i can't just walk away from her not getting me help and alway's being there for mason and not for me. how is that right? i know that it is her son as well and it's a hard spot for her but she's acting like i don't even matter that i brought it on myself and that what i'm going through isn't as bad as what he's going through right now being over in iraq and riskign his life. how is that fair to compare him and me. were nothing alike, i want help and he doesn't, he ran from what he did and i'm takign this on head first and no one is even noticing. i feel along and like i'm in this world and people are moving really fast and i'm going slow and no one can see or hear me and it really sucks. i just want life to get better. i want my family to get better. :(:(:(:(:(
i've alway's been second or third in my family. since my brother alway's got in trouble my parents spent most their time with them and going to court and all that. it has hard on them and they got tired of doing i so there really wasn't much time or energy left for me. which whateve they needed time for themself's after dealing with my brother's but it just kind of sucked. Most the time i got birthday party's but there were sometimes where it just didn't work out because either my parents were to tired or they had to go and spend time in court with my brothers. on one of my brithday's my brothers had a court date and it was to decide what the court was gonna do to them. my mom told them to wish me happy birthday becauase they coudl be going to jail. they never did, but we did have to have a family counselor who didn't involve me. i was able to do whatever i wanted, i usually didn't sit in and listen i was alway's like outside or up in my room. i was alway's asked to leave. that maked me back because i'm part of this family as well. then once it came out about what happend to me the lady had only like one secission left and came over and talked to me a lil and was like why didnt you tell me i could have been helping you and that stuff and i was just like well you never involved me in it so why would i? i didn' tsay that but that's what i was thinking.my 13th birthday i did not get a party. i will prolly never forget that just because it was kind of important to me because i was turing 13, kind of like a teenager so that was big. the weekend we planned it they coudn't because of my brothers. the next weekend my mom was too tired from dealing with my brothers. so i never got one :(. o well i get them now. i make my mom and pluse one brother is over in iraq and the other is doing better but when they are together they cause trouble.
man i miss the was things use to be. i miss the way my mom and i were. i was thinking of a time when i got mad because my mom couldn't go something wiht me because she had to be with my brother for like a court date or something so i got pissed and just told her how i felt. told her that they never have time for me and that i hated that. after i got done dancing for a performance (this was like 3 years ago i think) she took me to a city and we stayed in a hotel and went shopping and ate out somewhere special and it was just the two of us. now we can't even talk to eachother with out like getting pissed or mad. it's my fault that this all happend. if i had never told about it, if i had never told my mom none of this would be going on. i alway's wounder how my life would be if i hadn't told anyone. i keep trying to remember why i told. did i feel the need to tlak about it? was it really bothering me? cuz i never really knew what we were doing and i never knew if it was wrong so why did i tell? why did i have to cause my family so much pain. i should have keept my mouth shut. then my mom and i would be better and it wouldn't be so weird. people here wouldn't have to be carful around me and watch how they act and feel. no one in my family talks to me but like my brother and that's it. my dad try's to, he's trying to talk more now but idk. my mom tryes but i feel like she feel's like whatever she say's is wrong and that's partly my fault too. i don't think she could say or do anything that will make me happy. i have disconnected myself way to much from her now that idk what to do. i want to stop being like this to her but it's hard because of what she has put me through that i don't think it's fair for me to be like oh mom it's ok because really it's not. i can't just walk away from her not getting me help and alway's being there for mason and not for me. how is that right? i know that it is her son as well and it's a hard spot for her but she's acting like i don't even matter that i brought it on myself and that what i'm going through isn't as bad as what he's going through right now being over in iraq and riskign his life. how is that fair to compare him and me. were nothing alike, i want help and he doesn't, he ran from what he did and i'm takign this on head first and no one is even noticing. i feel along and like i'm in this world and people are moving really fast and i'm going slow and no one can see or hear me and it really sucks. i just want life to get better. i want my family to get better. :(:(:(:(:(
Replies
Kayla, Often times reflection is a part of the process within healing. Your in-patient care will help you to further your goal toward being happy. One day you will be able to put all of those past troubling issues behind you!!!! Other things will actually hold more importance to you. And amazingly enough, it\'s true that often times seemingly impossible mother-daughter relationships change in later years to be a relationship as best friends. Your kindness will prevent having to deal with the issues of regrett later. Your wise to to seek and gain help to overcome things so that you can move toward a future with more peace in your heart. You can. I wish this for you.
Hi. I wanted to tell you, that moms and daughter teens go through this at your age. It is normal, and it does pass. Even if there was no pain or damage done, its just a weird time for moms and daughters. I hated my moms guts when I was your age. But we are best friends now. My little sister died at 13, and my mom was sad more because they were distant emotionally just like u r feeling now. And she didnt get to see my sister get past this \"hating mom\" stage. But u have damage added to what is natural so it feels really badly to you. But u r changing from kid to adult yourself. Its a very hormonal stage for you, and everything usually seems overwhelming and uncomfortable. So please dont blame yourself. It isnt your fault. It takes more than YOU to disagree or have a problem in the family. U are doing all you know how to right now.And Im NOT saying your moms right by any means, but she is having a hard time with whats happened to you. So maybe it\'s easier for her right now to be in \"denial\" over what happened, cuz she doesnt want to think it could be true. That would cause her more pain and guilt, cuz every parent feels responsible for what their children go through. She also has your brother away fighting the war that people r dying in everyday. So she CANT be mad at him right now. So shes mixed with anger, GUILT, shame and an inability of knowing what to do. So just try to stop blaming yourself. And be the best you can. Thats all you can do for her or around her right now. Maybe it\'ll change when hes out of the military. You might ask her if she\'d be willing to do therapy or counseling with YOU, just to help tighten the bond again. I love u! Keep helping yourself to recover and heal.
kayla,
i know what you mean about your mom,
even i at 26 cant do anything right in my moms eyes yet i still yearn for her approval, I hate it that she has that hold on me
Kayla, its not right for your mom to be there for your brother and Not for you.
your the one who was hurt more than anything, i dont care if your brother is in iraq fighting a retarted war, your mother needs to see what he has done, im sure she doesnt know how it feels to be dead inside when your still living.
she needs to get her head out of her ass really soon, or you need to move away and find someone who will be there for you.
you deserve someone who cares and wants to help
i love you.
chasity