hi Mom,
well i'm writing to you because i need to tell you some things and i need you to listen. i have a problem and i can't fix it without ur help. i would go and talk to dad but i don't know if he would be able to handle it. but i still think i'm going to write him a letter and tell him what i've been through and tell him everything. because i don't think you have told him about what i've been doing. Mom you know that i've been cutting but i'm pretty sure you don't know for how long. i've been cutting ever since i told you about my friend cutting. I think that's been about a year. It's not an every day thing but when i feel like i can't handle anything i do. But i guess i do it sometimes because it feels good. And i don't expect you to understand that or anything. I have been anorexic and bulimic off and on for a year and since last week for about 4 day's i just ate supper but i know that's dumb so i've stopped and now i eat more. and i guess i started eating more because i want to give blood and i have to weigh 120 and i weighed 117 and could have kept dropping the weigh but decided that giving blood was more important. I feel like crap a lot and i have gone/am going through a lot and i can't sort through it all on my own. i've been on this web site called daily strength and it has been very good for me. i can journal and get things out and there are people on there willing to listen and help out in anyway they can. they have all been saying i need to get into counseling and i know and i think you know that they are right. My life right now is being controlled by mason's actions on what he did to me. And i want nothing more than to be in control with my own life and not have him control it. I know you love mason and i don't want you to ever stop loving him because he is your son but you also have to know that i am your daughter and i need you right now. i need a mother who wants' to help me and is willing to get me counseling. One of the reasons i didn't go out for track was so that i didn't have anything interfering with the scheduling and now i can drive myself. I just feel and get the impression that you don't want to get me counseling. Mrs.Bullerman got you that imformation on counseling even called them and i gave it to you and now i have no idea what you did with them. they are prolly in your purse or in the garbage i dont' know. I have just been feeling alot of resistance towards you and i'm sure you know that but you have to understand why i do. I don't know if you know this but you are slowly loosing me and i don't want to leave but i guess if i can't get the help i need then i'm gonna have to find a way to get it myself and i have been trying but idk how i am able to without a parents permision. The first time i asked you for counseling you told me to just talk with mason and work it out ourself. you don't understand how hard it was to even come and ask you that let alone go and talk to you person who did it to me. You told me that if we tryed to get mason into family counseling that he would just frez up and not talk. You have alway's tooken his side and i guess i just don't know why. You alway's talked about him and to tell you the truth that was hard to handle. I have problems just looking at his picture and to have someone talk about him was even harder. It's just really hard to talk about how he's a hero for being over in iraq and he sexually abused me and i'm the one whos is dealing with this and i don't get told i'm a hero and i don't expect to but it just makes me mad to have everyone be proud of him and i'm living in his pain and my own pain also and no one is doing anything about it. But Im not gonna sit here and tell you to not talk about your son and to not love him no i'm not that kind of person. I would feel horrible if i ever did so i'm not gonna. I'm just letting you know where i stand with all this. I have just felt so alone and that no one wants to help me. And there are people who do but can't do anything because i need you to sing permision to see a counselor and stuff. I'm ready to live my life i am 16 and have had alot taken away from me as it is and i just want to try and get it back and life my life without being in fear of my past. i love you and i just need to know you love me and want to help me. you can write me back or we can go somewhere and talk about this. But please don't shut me down again and please help me get the help i need.
well i'm writing to you because i need to tell you some things and i need you to listen. i have a problem and i can't fix it without ur help. i would go and talk to dad but i don't know if he would be able to handle it. but i still think i'm going to write him a letter and tell him what i've been through and tell him everything. because i don't think you have told him about what i've been doing. Mom you know that i've been cutting but i'm pretty sure you don't know for how long. i've been cutting ever since i told you about my friend cutting. I think that's been about a year. It's not an every day thing but when i feel like i can't handle anything i do. But i guess i do it sometimes because it feels good. And i don't expect you to understand that or anything. I have been anorexic and bulimic off and on for a year and since last week for about 4 day's i just ate supper but i know that's dumb so i've stopped and now i eat more. and i guess i started eating more because i want to give blood and i have to weigh 120 and i weighed 117 and could have kept dropping the weigh but decided that giving blood was more important. I feel like crap a lot and i have gone/am going through a lot and i can't sort through it all on my own. i've been on this web site called daily strength and it has been very good for me. i can journal and get things out and there are people on there willing to listen and help out in anyway they can. they have all been saying i need to get into counseling and i know and i think you know that they are right. My life right now is being controlled by mason's actions on what he did to me. And i want nothing more than to be in control with my own life and not have him control it. I know you love mason and i don't want you to ever stop loving him because he is your son but you also have to know that i am your daughter and i need you right now. i need a mother who wants' to help me and is willing to get me counseling. One of the reasons i didn't go out for track was so that i didn't have anything interfering with the scheduling and now i can drive myself. I just feel and get the impression that you don't want to get me counseling. Mrs.Bullerman got you that imformation on counseling even called them and i gave it to you and now i have no idea what you did with them. they are prolly in your purse or in the garbage i dont' know. I have just been feeling alot of resistance towards you and i'm sure you know that but you have to understand why i do. I don't know if you know this but you are slowly loosing me and i don't want to leave but i guess if i can't get the help i need then i'm gonna have to find a way to get it myself and i have been trying but idk how i am able to without a parents permision. The first time i asked you for counseling you told me to just talk with mason and work it out ourself. you don't understand how hard it was to even come and ask you that let alone go and talk to you person who did it to me. You told me that if we tryed to get mason into family counseling that he would just frez up and not talk. You have alway's tooken his side and i guess i just don't know why. You alway's talked about him and to tell you the truth that was hard to handle. I have problems just looking at his picture and to have someone talk about him was even harder. It's just really hard to talk about how he's a hero for being over in iraq and he sexually abused me and i'm the one whos is dealing with this and i don't get told i'm a hero and i don't expect to but it just makes me mad to have everyone be proud of him and i'm living in his pain and my own pain also and no one is doing anything about it. But Im not gonna sit here and tell you to not talk about your son and to not love him no i'm not that kind of person. I would feel horrible if i ever did so i'm not gonna. I'm just letting you know where i stand with all this. I have just felt so alone and that no one wants to help me. And there are people who do but can't do anything because i need you to sing permision to see a counselor and stuff. I'm ready to live my life i am 16 and have had alot taken away from me as it is and i just want to try and get it back and life my life without being in fear of my past. i love you and i just need to know you love me and want to help me. you can write me back or we can go somewhere and talk about this. But please don't shut me down again and please help me get the help i need.
Replies
karyl, awesome entry. I really hope you actually do give this to your mom. I think it would be good for you. I want you to know that I\'m proud of you!! hugs, amber
I hope you give this to your mom also.....
I also hope you give this to her. I too told my mom about my \'situation\' (years &years after the fact) she said she knew I cut myself for years but never knew why. To this day I ask myself how much could she love me if she knew and never asked, never tried to get me help. To this day we haven\'t said one other word between us about my \'situation\', that was 5 years ago. But I was a legal adult by then, 18, the least your mom could do is sign a piece of paper! Good luck sweetheart, we all have your back here!