Making progress
I am really excited to say that I think I am really making progress in therapy. I am seeing a therapist and a nurse practitioner for and hour every week. I have extreme trust issues that start from my childhood and we are in the process and uncovering and dealing with them.
As best as I can understand it now it started when I was about 9 when my Mom started checking out as a Mom and hiding in her own world. She wasn't there for me as a Mom and she didn't offer me good advice as a you girl. By time I was 11 or 12 she had completely checked out and was not there for me hardly at all. I would go to her and she would reject me and turn me away. So I lost trust in my Mom and parent figure at a young age.
I think my trust issues with my self started as young as 9. When I was I was a cheerleader and I didn’t look the stereotypical cheerleader type. I had short hair and I was about 15 pounds overweight. So I was constantly bullied by the other girls. I went to my Mom and she didn’t help and I went to the cheerleading coach and she didn’t help eith, she was also the Mother of two of the other girls on the team. Because of this I skipped a lot of practices and games. You know my parents never went to a single one of my games or competitions. But I felt all alone and no one would listen to me and fix what was happening and I couldn’t fix it and after I was told all these mean and hateful things about myself, the girls start getting to me and I started believing what they said and I no longer trusted in myself to know the truth anymore.
10- I started to develop early. I got my period and boob at 10. I was bullied because of my boobs. Cassandra did not like me and I never knew why she just started bullying me one day. Threatening to beat me up. I went to my Mom and she told me not to fight her. She told me if she started a fight I was not to hit back, I was to let her hit me and not fight back and defend myself. Casandra always told me she was going to get me in the bathroom after lunch or on the playground at recess or at the school dance. I would get in trouble by not turning in homework when I could so I didn’t have to go to recess or I would play close to the teachers and usually by myself at recess. After lunch when would go to the bathroom I would never go I would hold it the rest of the day until I got home from school. The one time we had a school dance I told the teacher I forgot my money and she told me she would pay for me and I had to tell her I didn’t want to go. She took me out in the hall and asked me why I didn’t want to go and all I told her is I just don’t want to go. I was the only kid in the whole 5th grade that did not go to the dance and it was during school. The teachers didn’t know what to do with me during the dance. I had to sit in office and I felt horrible.
11- 6th grade- Over the summer I hit a growth spurt and I was in a size 36C. I was bullied and hated a LOT because of this. There was this one boy Michael he liked me I think but I am not for sure he messed with me a lot. He would grab my boobs, pop my bra, pull on my shirt and jeans and hair, he wrestled me to the ground. He would ask me out. He was black and at the time I was 11 and I haven’t really dated anyone and especially not a black guy before so the idea was new to me so didn’t want to date him. I rejected him and he didn’t like it. He started being mean towards me. He actually picked me up and slammed me on the ground. The girls in the class liked him and saw his reaction towards me and did not like it and that set off a bad reaction with them. Also just because I had big boob I got labeled as a slut. So not fair!!!
Here is where my trust issues started with men...
11- Michael (11) Sexually assaulted me
12- James (13) Raped me
16- Chad (26) Toxic person- cheated on me with my best friend-lived with
17- Robert (34) Controlling & Angry- cheated on me with my best friend- lived with
17/18 Sky (27) Physically abusive- cheating? tried to kill me- lived with
18- Troy (31) Multi-abusive and all around bad man- 1st husband
28- Paul(32) Good guy mostly- Current husband
After discussing my past relationship with Lisa I realizes that Paul is not that bad at all and I am damn lucky to have him :) All my former relationships were bad, unstable, and abusive in some way. Paul's and mine relationship is stable and it is a place where I can heal.
I am very confident in my future now and I am pretty sure with Dottie and Lisa help I can overcome my depression. I want to overcome my depression and get off my meds for good. There was I time where I could care less if I got off my meds, I thought I would always be on my meds but now I want off them.
When I beat my depression I am going to get a tattoo of a phoenix being reborn and rising out of the ashes.
As best as I can understand it now it started when I was about 9 when my Mom started checking out as a Mom and hiding in her own world. She wasn't there for me as a Mom and she didn't offer me good advice as a you girl. By time I was 11 or 12 she had completely checked out and was not there for me hardly at all. I would go to her and she would reject me and turn me away. So I lost trust in my Mom and parent figure at a young age.
I think my trust issues with my self started as young as 9. When I was I was a cheerleader and I didn’t look the stereotypical cheerleader type. I had short hair and I was about 15 pounds overweight. So I was constantly bullied by the other girls. I went to my Mom and she didn’t help and I went to the cheerleading coach and she didn’t help eith, she was also the Mother of two of the other girls on the team. Because of this I skipped a lot of practices and games. You know my parents never went to a single one of my games or competitions. But I felt all alone and no one would listen to me and fix what was happening and I couldn’t fix it and after I was told all these mean and hateful things about myself, the girls start getting to me and I started believing what they said and I no longer trusted in myself to know the truth anymore.
10- I started to develop early. I got my period and boob at 10. I was bullied because of my boobs. Cassandra did not like me and I never knew why she just started bullying me one day. Threatening to beat me up. I went to my Mom and she told me not to fight her. She told me if she started a fight I was not to hit back, I was to let her hit me and not fight back and defend myself. Casandra always told me she was going to get me in the bathroom after lunch or on the playground at recess or at the school dance. I would get in trouble by not turning in homework when I could so I didn’t have to go to recess or I would play close to the teachers and usually by myself at recess. After lunch when would go to the bathroom I would never go I would hold it the rest of the day until I got home from school. The one time we had a school dance I told the teacher I forgot my money and she told me she would pay for me and I had to tell her I didn’t want to go. She took me out in the hall and asked me why I didn’t want to go and all I told her is I just don’t want to go. I was the only kid in the whole 5th grade that did not go to the dance and it was during school. The teachers didn’t know what to do with me during the dance. I had to sit in office and I felt horrible.
11- 6th grade- Over the summer I hit a growth spurt and I was in a size 36C. I was bullied and hated a LOT because of this. There was this one boy Michael he liked me I think but I am not for sure he messed with me a lot. He would grab my boobs, pop my bra, pull on my shirt and jeans and hair, he wrestled me to the ground. He would ask me out. He was black and at the time I was 11 and I haven’t really dated anyone and especially not a black guy before so the idea was new to me so didn’t want to date him. I rejected him and he didn’t like it. He started being mean towards me. He actually picked me up and slammed me on the ground. The girls in the class liked him and saw his reaction towards me and did not like it and that set off a bad reaction with them. Also just because I had big boob I got labeled as a slut. So not fair!!!
Here is where my trust issues started with men...
11- Michael (11) Sexually assaulted me
12- James (13) Raped me
16- Chad (26) Toxic person- cheated on me with my best friend-lived with
17- Robert (34) Controlling & Angry- cheated on me with my best friend- lived with
17/18 Sky (27) Physically abusive- cheating? tried to kill me- lived with
18- Troy (31) Multi-abusive and all around bad man- 1st husband
28- Paul(32) Good guy mostly- Current husband
After discussing my past relationship with Lisa I realizes that Paul is not that bad at all and I am damn lucky to have him :) All my former relationships were bad, unstable, and abusive in some way. Paul's and mine relationship is stable and it is a place where I can heal.
I am very confident in my future now and I am pretty sure with Dottie and Lisa help I can overcome my depression. I want to overcome my depression and get off my meds for good. There was I time where I could care less if I got off my meds, I thought I would always be on my meds but now I want off them.
When I beat my depression I am going to get a tattoo of a phoenix being reborn and rising out of the ashes.
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