What is wrong with me?
It's tuesday and 4 more work days, then 2 week spring break! YAY!! I am always excited to be off work and not have those demands or needs asked of me :)
In saying that, we are leaving Sunday for Puerto Vallarta, Mexico and staying there for 12 days. We have been there many times so I feel very comfortable there and it's a relaxing time, sitting on the beach, watching people and of course looking at all there is to buy from vendors..:)
I am feeling very anxious about flying, being there, even though I am comfortable there. What is wrong with me? What happened to excitement, without a care in the world? being in the moment, no worries......geez......Hunter will be with a really good friend of Jennifer's for the week (he is excited, as her kids are the same age and basically they all grew up together. So what is my problem? Is it because my mom isn't here to say "have a great time", "love you", "can't wait till you get back", "I will miss you." - Is that it? Who would miss me if I'm gone?
My close girlfriend has keys, phone# should something happen, emergency contact for the dogs; yes, I have 2 step-daughters (one will be coming down to Puerto Vallarta for an extended week-end) but why am I so frickin Anxious......Again, I'm so grateful I can go but I'm really finding that my comfort zone is @ home in my bubble.....what kind of life is that?
In saying that, we are leaving Sunday for Puerto Vallarta, Mexico and staying there for 12 days. We have been there many times so I feel very comfortable there and it's a relaxing time, sitting on the beach, watching people and of course looking at all there is to buy from vendors..:)
I am feeling very anxious about flying, being there, even though I am comfortable there. What is wrong with me? What happened to excitement, without a care in the world? being in the moment, no worries......geez......Hunter will be with a really good friend of Jennifer's for the week (he is excited, as her kids are the same age and basically they all grew up together. So what is my problem? Is it because my mom isn't here to say "have a great time", "love you", "can't wait till you get back", "I will miss you." - Is that it? Who would miss me if I'm gone?
My close girlfriend has keys, phone# should something happen, emergency contact for the dogs; yes, I have 2 step-daughters (one will be coming down to Puerto Vallarta for an extended week-end) but why am I so frickin Anxious......Again, I'm so grateful I can go but I'm really finding that my comfort zone is @ home in my bubble.....what kind of life is that?
Replies
It truly is easier at home to deal with ourselves and our lives. Yet you deserve to have some relaxation. Pushing ourselves to go outside of the box is really a great help. I joined a book club and it is amazing how nice it is to be a bit of normal if only for 2-3 hours. Your trip sounds wonderful and I hope you have a wonderful time. Did Jennifer like the beach, she will be there with you so enjoy. Peace, Kathy
Vicki, there is nothing wrong with you... You are a grieving mom who is trying her best each day to BE in this world and this world now looks and feels so vastly different.
The excitement, the joys, the comfort, the adventures are wrapped in a new container now and I had to learn how to unpack each one with without any expectations of feeling what I might have felt in the past. Almost as if each of us is a \"stroke patient\" and we are having to relearn how to engage our senses and just everything into these lives that we have now.
I\'m not sure that is what you are describing, yet as I read your journal this is what comes in for me. We are changed forever and so is how we interact and I hope that once you are on vacation that you can just allow yourself to BE however you need to BE and know that it\'s all okay.
Aging brings on anxiety just in and of itself and then we throw in the loss(es) and no wonder these feelings that you describe come flooding in.
Please don\'t be hard on yourself, allow yourself this grace and wiggle room and know that there is absolutely nothing wrong with you. YOU are healing a hurt beyond words, one that cannot be absorbed in its enormity and piece by piece you are trying to put together this new puzzle that is your life. Your Jennifer, your mom... both such huge pieces of this puzzle that you are trying to figure out how to fit into your life, here and now.
Hang in there for these last few work days and 12 days on vacation sounds wonderful. Hoping you will feel your Jennifer alongside of you.
Lots of love and SO much understanding,
XO Joanie
Thank you! -
I understand your anxiety. I think perhaps you just need to breathe and meditate a bit. Start the relaxing tonight and hopefully some of that anxiety will dissipate by the time you leave. It sounds like a much needed and wonderful vacation away. You will enjoy every minute of it and I think you will come back refreshed. Hang in there and I hope that you start feeling better about the trip.
As Joanie said, there is nothing wrong with you. We all have different stresses and anxieties. Your world is upside down. You are coping the best way you can. You are also nearing vacation time so I suspect you are exhausted from work too.
I hope you have a wonderful time in Mexico. The sun and beach sounds wonderful!!
My anxiety usually occurs when I have to come home. When I go away, I experience new things and my mind is occupied. At home, all the stresses and strains are back. We are all different. We cope in the best way we can.
Love and tight hugs, M
\"have a great time\", \"love you\", \"can\'t wait till you get back\", \"I will miss you.\" There you go..as for who would miss you? I would miss you..we all would miss you.Lauri
I have the same problem, Vicki. My comfort zone is at home, in my own little bubble. And I also feel anxious to move outside my comfort zone. This has always been my problem, but after Colleen passed away, it became much worse.
It is okay not to feel excited about your holiday, because we take one day at a time, and we also do the best we can with every step we take. Just take a deep breath, and know that everything will work out just fine.
Gentle hugs! xxx
I\'m most comfortable at home, too, Vicki, so hope you know you\'re not alone in feeling the way you do.
Love & Hugs,
Donna
I think anxiety goes along with loss and worry. Once our worlds are changed so vastly, we worry about everything falling apart again. I am most comfortable at home as well. I have to constantly rationalize to myself that everything will be fine quite often. You will know in your heart what you need to do that is best for you. Sending lots of love your way, Leda
Vicki, there is nothing wrong with you. As others have said you are a grieving mom whose life has changed dramatically. Nothing is the same as it was without your daughter or mom in this world. I feel most comfortable in my home now yet in the past, before Eddie died, I was pretty adventurous. Now my comfort is my home, although I continue to push myself to get out & do things & I am glad once I do. Acknowledge your anxiety but go forward and enjoy your life. You are doing the best you can. Learning how to live in this new normal is not easy. Much love, Linda
We take one day at a time. You need to keep doing just that. If it is Mexico wonderful if it is in your living room good. Just look at one day not 12 days away. I hope that may help relieve some of the feelings you are having. Slow down smaller steps. Do not waist a vacation you love because you are unsure of yourself or feel bad doing this. YOU my dear deserve a rest, and peace.
Please have fun enjoy. You need to take care of you.
Tight Hugs
Penny
Hope your vacation provides all you need Vicki.