2016
Hello Sisters.....Well here we are in a new year...New Years Eve, Jim & I had gone out to dinner and went to a casino for a little bit (it's his favorite past-time)..as I'm standing there watching people drink, yell, appearing so excited that another year is about to happen and when the clock struck midnight, Jim leaned over to kiss me and there I am sobbing....hit me like a ton of bricks, unexpected, out of the blue....crying thinking - another year without my daughter.....He did n't really understand and got mad at me for spoiling his good time....Oh well - it is what it is right? Those moments when the tears come and I couldn't control it if I tried. MY week in Arizona had alot of those this year....spent time in the shower crying.....many conversations with Jim and how tired he is seeing me sad.....it's exhausting.....
I'm back to work Tuesday. I'm glad to go back and get in my routine...My mind is not my friend, sometimes. I am working on a project of crocheting beanies for patients who are having chemo. Crochet for Cancer. Jennifer wore them sometimes...It makes me feel like I'm doing something good...brings me JOY (my word)...:) I saw Hunter today - he had a great Christmas and has another week off before starting school again. Praying that he will keep up with school work - counseling is going good for him, he says so ...that's a positive!!!!
Love you all and hope for peace & comfort this year. Thank you for being here. (((((hugs))))) Vicki
I'm back to work Tuesday. I'm glad to go back and get in my routine...My mind is not my friend, sometimes. I am working on a project of crocheting beanies for patients who are having chemo. Crochet for Cancer. Jennifer wore them sometimes...It makes me feel like I'm doing something good...brings me JOY (my word)...:) I saw Hunter today - he had a great Christmas and has another week off before starting school again. Praying that he will keep up with school work - counseling is going good for him, he says so ...that's a positive!!!!
Love you all and hope for peace & comfort this year. Thank you for being here. (((((hugs))))) Vicki
Replies
Hi Vicki. You wrote of how tired Jim is of seeing you sad, and I get it. Men in general are hardwired to \"fix\" things. Yet this is something he (and others) can\'t fix. And then there\'s how exhausting that burden is for you. I get it. It seems like a vicious circle and I wish I had a way to let everyone just BE themselves. I too find myself so exhausted from putting on a \"happy face\" when I really just want to cry.
I am really glad to hear that you are crocheting. I make quilts. It seems to be such good therapy for my heart, and I hope it is good for your soul too. Yes, it brings you JOY. Wow. Insert smiley face here :-)
As we move into a new year, my wish for you is peace and comfort and moments of calm.
(((hugs))) Merrilee
Crocheting for cancer is a wonderful way to help others. If I ever get to where I can think straight, I need to find a project to help others too. Right now, I am still struggeling to put one foot in front of the other....
I am sorry about the melt down at the casino. We never know when one is coming, to knock us to our knees. I do hope that 2016 will be a year of healing and peace, for us all...
((((HUGS)))), Julia
I think it has been the year for breakdowns. I fell apart this season more than I did early on for some reason. Four days on the sofa with no showers. My family is pretty sick of my sadness too and make snide comments. My husband walks with his shoulders slumped and sleeps a lot.
I went to church Sunday, fully showered and dressed to thank two ladies that sent cards to me. They let me know that they were praying for me. It seems to have worked, so I will pray for a lighter spirit for you and Jim. Love you..Lauri
Hi Vicki,
I often can\'t control when the crying hits; don\'t feel bad about it. Since you & your husband were out together that night there was nothing really that could be done about him seeing you cry.
Glad that you enjoy the crocheting - it\'s definitely for a worthy cause. Good to hear that you\'re looking forward to going back to work tomorrow & that you got to spend some time with Hunter. YAY!
Love & Hugs,
Donna
I so identify with you newer moms. I remember when soths (before they were called soths) ahead of me on this path would talk about \"early grief\" and I had no clue what they meant. I was so incapable, downtrodden and depressed for so many years. It was hard to ever see my way out of it. Tears would roll just because I saw a penny on the ground or any other little trigger that would remind me. There were so many triggers. I feel your heart and understand that you might like to be different for Jim, but just can\'t. This is a true mother\'s heart. Men do want to fix things but this is something that cannot be fixed. I add my love, support and prayers to \"our cause\" and wish I could do so much more. But indeed, I cannot \"fix\" it either...
Sending love,
Leda
It is a long, hard road...full of triggers. It is so unfair and it IS sad...others often are unable to understand how hard it is for a mom. I hope that you can continue to be honest with your emotions. One day at a time. (Hug)
AND...crocheting for cancer IS helping!! Good for you, love and hugs...Karen
i understand and have to keep the mask on in public too. Yet sometimes it is not possible. Sending you some peace, Kathy
Yes, these moments do come and it is not about Jim, yet about your being true to yourself and allowing yourself to feel it all. Nothing ever to apologize for and it is what it is for today, for now and this is the roller coaster of grief, sorrow and one day finding hope in the midst that we speak of.
What a wonderful way for you to use your creativity and pay it forward.
I\'ll be thinking of you as you return to work and easy does. It\'s always a bit of a shock to one\'s system to be back. I remember it well my friend.
Love to Jennifer and to you dear Vicki,
XO Joanie
I too understand how men find it difficult to see us sad. I think they feel helpless and, in my opinion, take it out on us. Well, too bad, so sad. I told Joe that this was going to be my life from hereon out. I too felt exhausted trying to not express sadness. All it did was make both of us miserable because I just withdrew.
After 6 years, Joe is much more understanding and just gives me a hug. There were times when his tone of voice sounded angry - I called him on it. He was surprised to hear that I thought he was mad at me when I got weepy. It has been a 6 year process. Now, we are closer than we have been in years. We laugh together and I cry - sometime he gets a bit of warning - I tell him that I need to cry, and I do. I have times when the pressure builds up and crying helps.
I am glad to hear that you have found a purpose. I volunteer. I am now the editor of our condo newsletter. If I am not busy doing something, I fall into the black hole.
Wishing you a peace, love, joy, and yes, the freedom to feel and express feelings.
Love and tight hugs, M
You are important and you need to do what you need. Mike took a while before he got it. At times when I need to cry he will put his arm around me or place his hand on my leg and squeeze. This is his way of showing he cares. It has taken a while for him to come around to just showing me its ok. Before he would say just think of all the good times ( boy I hated that phrase) Men try to fix things give him a hammer and nails send him out side to fix something. As time goes by life will get a little smoother, but not bump free.
I hope your are ok now, being busy with your cancer caps sounds like a good thing to do......
Sending tight hugs
Penny