Struggling
Geez, it seems like I am so damn depressed and so struggling this year. Saturday I stayed in my PJ's all day, cried, sighed, watched TV and was just hating how my life is right now....the longing and loneliness for my mom & daughter totally overwhelmed me......This 2nd year has sucked.....
Yesterday I did some cleaning, finally went to the grocery store but looked like a homeless person @ the store....and I didn't even care. It's all part of the process, I know, but the highs and lows I am so tired of....I should be giving, right? It's Merry Christmas.....URGH
Yesterday I did some cleaning, finally went to the grocery store but looked like a homeless person @ the store....and I didn't even care. It's all part of the process, I know, but the highs and lows I am so tired of....I should be giving, right? It's Merry Christmas.....URGH
Replies
Vicki, please be patient with yourself. This is a trauma being without your beautiful daughter and wonderful mother during the holiday season. It takes much more time and I understand, honestly, I do... I wish there was more that I could do or say but it just plain sucks! None of us should have to go through this!
Sending you love and tight hugs of compassion,
Leda
I understand everything you are describing and I know that for me the second year really was an ass kicker and that is when I found FMO and finally found a community of earth angels who got \"it\" and understood what I was describing.
To feel this loss as you are IS overwhelming and this is when I take the sage advice of those before me who said take it in second and minute intervals and just keep breathing through those and not expecting anything more than that from myself. Just breathe and BE as I am and not to add any additional pressure as to how I think I \"should\" be etc. Simply remembering that there is no goal, no finish line and that it\'s not anything that any of us will ever \"get over\" yet somehow in our own way and on our timetable we learn how to carry it. This truly IS the only thing that has ever made any sense to me and it still carries me on those days that just plain hurt.
The hope the moms gave me is that they reassured me that I would not always feel the way that I did in this moment and quite frankly all I could think of is that it just isn\'t happening FAST enough! Yet, I just kept picking myself up, taking those baby steps and somehow seven plus years later I\'m still here and so are each of you.
Gentle, gentle care dearest Vicki and you cannot give what you do not have. Simply by getting up, going to work and taking care of all of those students and their families is your quota! No more can you expect from yourself than that as that is enough, more than enough. To be a caregiver in the workplace after what you have experienced is asking a lot of yourself so I hope you will please remember that when you are wondering why you do not have more to give. You are giving each and every day.
Much love, care and SO much understanding from my heart to yours my friend. It might be time too to switch up some of your healing tools? I periodically do this when I hit these time and it looks different for each of us, I know. Just a thought...
With you and caring so very much~
XO Joanie
Vicki, listen to Joanie as she is wise. this journey will never be over. It is one day at a time and even one minute sometimes. We have been chosen for some strange reason to be on this path and we must continue and do the best possible for our children and also for ourselves. We deserve it. Peace, Kathy
you always have a soth walking with you..... and together we might look like homeless but that\'s ok,, were together...love ya!..
I think this is the year two crap Zi have heard about. I cannot get out of my own way. I had thought that I was doing remarkably well, considering. Yup. NOPE. I think it is just part of this sicky process Vicki. I will be praying for you to see beyond the clouds.. Lauri
Hugs, hugs and more hugs
Hugs Vicki.....I understand dear friend....we all do.
Vicki, I cannot add any thing that hasn\'t been said. But I understand. That 2nd year was rough. But honestly, I look back at my 3rd year as when I started to learn to live again. There are no timelines, no one way path that works for everyone. No particular \"steps\" that one must follow. It can be hard to keep up with one\'s appearance sometimes. I live alone and haven\'t been working for almost 6 months due to an injury and some days, I don\'t even brush my hair or get dressed. But I have been lately making an effort to take better care of myself. I find that I feel better for it. I got concerned that my son would stop by and see me and say \"Mom, what are you doing? You smell and look bad.\". Not that I smell HAHA but it is what I imagined. Entering my 8th year now, I am in such a different place than I was those first few years. Acceptance was the key for me, which began in year 3. Acceptance was huge for me! Don\'t worry about \"giving\" just because it is Christmas time. We have given so much already that we never even wanted to give. I cannot give anything but my love this Christmas and have already told my son that I will not be getting him or my 2 month old granddaughter anything. I don\'t have it! Fortunately, I have a wonderful son, a recovering addict and he told me \"Mom, it is fine. I don\'t expect anything and I wish I had more to give and help you\". You cannot give to others until you give to yourself what you need. One of my best FMO friends did not grieve for years, feeling like she had to be strong for her husband and other son. She divorced last year, her son is doing well and she told me that she is finally grieving. I understand when people have young children that they have to be there for, but I never let anyone else\'s feelings nor my own of having to give, give, give be a problem. I pretty much wallowed in my own grief and focused on doing what I had to do. Which was work to support myself and put one step in front of the other every day. It was all I could do. I had nothing left to give, not even to my other son. So just tight hugs for you, take care of you. Peace, XOXO Belinda
I know how you feel I lost my mom and daughter to I have been so depressed to all alone I ha e a husband but. He is no.t loving to m e no moremy whole family is dead
If wish I could help you but I can.t evenhelp myself. Love Mary Ann bless your Angels
First of all, let me say there is no such thing in grief as \"I should be XXX\". The fact that we are breathing is a miracle!! Everything you describe is 100% of what it felt like for me for a while. My moms grave and Kala\'s grave are side by side. What a sorry site.....
But here\'s what I want to tell you....what Kala wants to tell you....and what I believe Jennifer wants to tell you. One day I was walking around our lake, crying, feeling totally defeated, ashamed of all the days I just couldn\'t do anything productive (in my eyes) and as I rounded the bend I hear Kala crystal clear ask me this question, \"Mom, when were you proud of me\". I immediately said always. She asked again, \"but WHEN\". I said, \"I was proud when you did your best\". She smiled. (Yes, I know when my child smiles!) Then she said, \"It\'s the same for me. I\'m proud of you when you do your best. Someday\'s that means staying in bed crying, someday\'s that means going to the store, and someday\'s that means helping others. But no matter what, if it is truly the best you can do that day, in that moment, I\'m proud of you.\"
For ME, I had to know my child was proud of me. That was the fuel which made me want to live and gave me a purpose for living. Now not everyone has this same need, but I did. So for her to tell me so bluntly that she was proud of me, even on the days I sat in front of the TV staring blindly with snot dripping off my chin, she was proud of me.
Yes, the ups and downs and highs and low of this nightmare can make you think you\'re losing your mind and not moving forward in the healing process. But the truth is, we are.....YOU are. This is HARD work and it\'s exhausting, but darling, I\'m a testimony to the truth that it does change over time. And yes, I hated when people told me that!!! But that\'s the truth of it. It takes time to find our joy and our lives again. Just know it\'s possible and never, ever, ever, give up.
Love you!
Love to Jennifer!
Thank you! What I love most about you sisters is the truth is always spoken with love and such deep understanding!! Sending love and hugs!!!! Vicki
Oh Dear Vicki,
I know about this roller coaster of emotions. I hope that the sun is shining brightly on your mind and heart today.
Love, hugs and peace,
Diane
Year 2 sucks, I don\'t like year 3 either but it was getting a little better. You are normal it is the rest of the world who is abnormal. Everyone has said it so well only because they lived through it and you will also.
I am sending tight hugs to you
Penny