Wednesday
My hives/rash is gone - disappeared on its own. I'm grateful for that as it was starting to really bother me, especially with clothes on. LOL -- don't think anyone around me would appreciate me not "clothed". :)
It's been a rough couple of days for me - I went to church Sunday and this couple (30's) came in - husband in wheelchair, accompanied by wife. They were friends with the pastor and before our pastor's sermon, he had us as a congregation pray for this couple, especially for the gentleman in wheelchair as he was "fighting cancer". I started crying, remembering my own daughter, bald, nauseated, tired because of all her treatment while she was "fighting cancer" and all the healing services she went to...I was crying by this time because my heart just hurt so damn bad, for them, for me and here we go again.....MEMORIES. MEMORIES that I hardly remember, the hospital visits, surgeries, not knowing what to do, doing nothing, feeling numb, disbelief....tests saying, CHemo worked - no sign of tumors....then within 5 days Jennifer gone.
The guilt set in that Sunday because I didn't go to healing services with my daughter. I convinced myself that it would hurt just too much to go....did I even believe? Losing my mom just 6 months earlier......pretty soon I was in a pit of "what a bad mom" I was.....praying quietly, angry that this was happening...my world of my mom and only child, my daughter I was losing.
I stayed there most of the day, residual feeling on Monday...teary, sad, wanting a DO OVER....as a mom....why did I react the way I did? Well, I wanted to journal hoping that all of the above will lay dormant for awhile, keeping it's ugly head hidden till I am strong for the day to feel it again.....certain situations that we don't expect happen right before our eyes and we are on that wave again of our own experience...when it wasn't about us to begin with. SIGH
I know that Jennifer is with Jesus and I will see her again and none of my worries will matter then....BUT ONLY THEN.....until THEN.....I struggle sometimes.....missing my daughter every day - miss being a mom - just miss my life the way it was.
It's been a rough couple of days for me - I went to church Sunday and this couple (30's) came in - husband in wheelchair, accompanied by wife. They were friends with the pastor and before our pastor's sermon, he had us as a congregation pray for this couple, especially for the gentleman in wheelchair as he was "fighting cancer". I started crying, remembering my own daughter, bald, nauseated, tired because of all her treatment while she was "fighting cancer" and all the healing services she went to...I was crying by this time because my heart just hurt so damn bad, for them, for me and here we go again.....MEMORIES. MEMORIES that I hardly remember, the hospital visits, surgeries, not knowing what to do, doing nothing, feeling numb, disbelief....tests saying, CHemo worked - no sign of tumors....then within 5 days Jennifer gone.
The guilt set in that Sunday because I didn't go to healing services with my daughter. I convinced myself that it would hurt just too much to go....did I even believe? Losing my mom just 6 months earlier......pretty soon I was in a pit of "what a bad mom" I was.....praying quietly, angry that this was happening...my world of my mom and only child, my daughter I was losing.
I stayed there most of the day, residual feeling on Monday...teary, sad, wanting a DO OVER....as a mom....why did I react the way I did? Well, I wanted to journal hoping that all of the above will lay dormant for awhile, keeping it's ugly head hidden till I am strong for the day to feel it again.....certain situations that we don't expect happen right before our eyes and we are on that wave again of our own experience...when it wasn't about us to begin with. SIGH
I know that Jennifer is with Jesus and I will see her again and none of my worries will matter then....BUT ONLY THEN.....until THEN.....I struggle sometimes.....missing my daughter every day - miss being a mom - just miss my life the way it was.
Replies
I am so glad your hives re gone! I itched for 4 days after we got back and thought I would go crazy.
I am sorry to hear that you have been struggling. There are so many triggers that take us back. If only we could turn back time so that we could do things differently. There is one thing that I have come to terms with. We did the best we could with what we knew and the resources we had. I know that you love Jennifer; you always have and always will. And I am certain that she knows that.
Love and tight hugs,
Marlene
Yes, the unexpected triggers that involve memories that were somewhat latent, all coming to the forefront again... It is all so hard! Then the \"what ifs\" and \"if only\" start to take our breath away... You are her forever mom and she is your forever daughter.
(((HUGS)))
As you are struggling right now I\'m sending lots of gentle hugs for you sweet friend. I hope tomorrow is a better day.
I\'m glad to hear the hives are gone. They are miserable. Praying you are able to find some peace and wishing you a gentle day tomorrow. Hugs, Paula
EVERY THING YOU WROTE I HAVE BEEN THROUGH TO I HATE IT. IT HAS BEEN 10 YEARS . SOME TIMES IT FEELS LIKE I,AM STILL SEEING HER SUFFER IN THE HOSPITAL, GUILTY BECAUSE I HAD TO COME HOME AT NIGHT AND THEN HER GIRLFRIEND (WHO i HATED WOULD BE WITH HER) THE TRIP TO HOSPITAL WAS 100 ROUND TRIP. . BUT ANY WAY GOD BLESS THAT COUPLE IN YOUR CHURCH, BLESS YOUR ANGEL BIG HUGS AND LOVE MARY ANN
Hi Vicki, glad the hives are gone & you\'re feeling better.
Sigh...the mom guilt, the \"what ifs\" hurt so much. Jennifer knows you did your best...just like my son knows I did my best with what I knew..
Be gentle on yourself. Love and hugs, Linda
Thank goodness the hives are gone. Hope everything else goes well for you.
Enjoy not being itchy..
Hugs Penny
You are an amazing mom! You did all you could do under the circumstances. We look back and think of the things that we could have changed...but it does no good. Here we are...we have to just know that our love for our child had NO bounds...and we did our best. Love and gentle hugs..Karen