Saturday Morning
Hello Soth - It's Saturday morning and it is just my toughest day - the routine as I have written about before of talking to my mom every day but longer on Saturday morning, seeing my daughter and grandson on Saturdays, and now my routine has changed. My mom has been gone for almost a year, and my daughter 4 months.....Never would have believed that I would have lost both of them within 6 months. Now I find myself struggling at times with my identity....? daughter, ? mother... I loved what Gina said, I'm still a mom, even though physically I can't hold her hand, hear her voice,....but it doesn't FEEL like that. I feel like I'm NOT a mom, I'm NOT a daughter...who am I?
My daughter was a Christian and she would have gone to heaven at any time because she could not wait to see Jesus. She had a child like faith and belief. Did that make our relationship easy or make her perfect? NO NO and NO . She struggled everyday with demons in her head and her thoughts that were sometimes on a crooked path but she clung to God and God's word kept her straight. In her teens until she was 18, she was cutting, attempted suicide twice, drugs, drugs and then more drugs..... Once she found Christ, her life was clean and sober but the emotional issues of course is a life long work for some....So my point in this rambling is I have been a Christian since early age and I am struggling...Would I jump at heaven right now if I could? to see Jennifer and my mom who I believe are there? I say I believe I will see her again but today I am so sad I can't see her NOW....sometimes I question God...I say HE HAS A PLAN - THE BIG PICTURE - but why does it have to hurt so much? I will continue on this journey with God and you all and I have hope, just feeling empty now.
My daughter always told me that I depended on my mom too much..She was my everything..I talked about everything and she kept me sane....With her gone, this has been a tough year for me and then my daughter with surgery, chemo, healing, then within 5 days, she was gone...so unexpected at that time...my rocks and my joy was ripped out from underneath me.....Being an only child sucks because even though I have wonderful friends, they have families and I certainly don't want to be a burden....so back to square one .... SATURDAY MORNING AND FEELING EMPTY....
Enough of me, feeling sorry for myself....I've journaled, will talk to God and then do what I CAN do today....Thanks for being there.....Your hugs, kind words so often keep me going on days like this.
((hugs)) and much love to you! Vicki
My daughter was a Christian and she would have gone to heaven at any time because she could not wait to see Jesus. She had a child like faith and belief. Did that make our relationship easy or make her perfect? NO NO and NO . She struggled everyday with demons in her head and her thoughts that were sometimes on a crooked path but she clung to God and God's word kept her straight. In her teens until she was 18, she was cutting, attempted suicide twice, drugs, drugs and then more drugs..... Once she found Christ, her life was clean and sober but the emotional issues of course is a life long work for some....So my point in this rambling is I have been a Christian since early age and I am struggling...Would I jump at heaven right now if I could? to see Jennifer and my mom who I believe are there? I say I believe I will see her again but today I am so sad I can't see her NOW....sometimes I question God...I say HE HAS A PLAN - THE BIG PICTURE - but why does it have to hurt so much? I will continue on this journey with God and you all and I have hope, just feeling empty now.
My daughter always told me that I depended on my mom too much..She was my everything..I talked about everything and she kept me sane....With her gone, this has been a tough year for me and then my daughter with surgery, chemo, healing, then within 5 days, she was gone...so unexpected at that time...my rocks and my joy was ripped out from underneath me.....Being an only child sucks because even though I have wonderful friends, they have families and I certainly don't want to be a burden....so back to square one .... SATURDAY MORNING AND FEELING EMPTY....
Enough of me, feeling sorry for myself....I've journaled, will talk to God and then do what I CAN do today....Thanks for being there.....Your hugs, kind words so often keep me going on days like this.
((hugs)) and much love to you! Vicki
Replies
Oh Vicki. I wish I could be there to give you a hug and cry with you. You have endured so much pain and loss.
I know we are not blood family, and we aren\'t close by, but sometimes I feel closer to the wonderful women here than I do to my flesh and blood. it is here that I can express my feelings without judgement.
And just so you know, it is okay to feel sorry for yourself, to sit on the pity pot. but as our founder used to say, we also have to put on our big girl pants and get on with it.
Wishing you a gentle weekend.
Love and hugs,
Marlene
Thank you - looking for my big girl panties as I write (don\'t have to look very far) LOL
Sending you hugs and love, it might feel as though your alone, but your not. Your mothers and daughters spirits and love are within you and your heart. And your SOTH\'s love and compassion too. Prayers and strength you feel it all!
I have a new spin on this horrible darkness. What has helped me after a prayerful week of crying jags is this new revelation. All I ever wanted was for Patrick to be whole and I believe he is now...Is my despair and unimaginable sadness a fair exchange for his? Yes, I believe I will look at it like that from now on. Sacrifice for my son. Maybe I can do this after all. So grateful for my SOTH who do not even know how much they help us all.
If you need family Vicki, I would love to have you in mine! Hugs and prayers, Lauri
if Saturdays are the worst time for you,,, have you given thought to planning something special,,, change your Saturday routine... just a thought,,, love ya!
Thank you Lauri - I too wanted Jennifer happy, no more demons that she fought everyday and now she is happy, whole....That puts a smile on my face in the midst of my tears..... Again, Thank you and I\'m sooo grateful for sisters of the heart. Vicki
NEVER feel you have to apologize to us for venting, raging, screaming, questioning.....never. We are in your shoes, sister.
My daughter was raised a Christian, not in the Roman Catholic faith (where I was raised), although she was baptized into that Church. She loved Jesus. She was wearing a crucifix. She was reading the New Testament. The problem was: she could not (the nature of serious mental illness) acknowledge her serious illness and cooperate with her therapist and psychiatrist, let alone with me.
This life is a trial; I sometimes wonder if it IS \"purgatory\" (if such a soul place exists). we have been tried. St. Peter tells us (Acts:20-24) \"But none of these things move me, neither count I my life dear to myself, so that I might finish my course with joy, and the ministry, which I have received of the Lord Jesus, to testify the gospel of the grace of God.\"
It is the grace of God that brought your child home. It is the grace of God that you are surviving in the face of an outrageous horror. You have a testimony. We all do, some don\'t recognize it, I do not sit in judgment of them. What is \"heaven\"...I have had a vision of it, just the \"waiting room\" actually, although I have had several visions. Another dimension, outside space/time continuum. Science has just \"discovered\" (if only they would wake up) the universe came into full blown existence in less than one trillionth of a second. Less than one trillionth of a second. God is real. And so is your pain, and mine, and all of ours. We cannot know the purpose. I suggest that, once we have finished our race, the Purpose will no longer matter because we will have achieved the final outcome: Matthew 25:21 \"His lord said unto him, Well done, thou good and faithful servant: thou hast been faithful over a few things, I will make thee ruler over many things: enter thou into the joy of thy lord.\"
I cant find the big girl pants. Where are they?
Dear Vicki.....dear, dear friend.... My heart aches with you and for you...
Those changes in routine are so hard. I think that\'s why I refuse to hold any traditions now. I never want to \"lose\" them again.... I think I live randomly by choice....if that even makes sense!
Perhaps making an appointment for next Saturday morning for a mani/pedi would help ease you through that time frame?? Then the next Saturday am, take a nice long walk?? Then the next, plan a shopping day with a girl friend?? Distractions can/do help.
Feeling your heart with mine....and sending so much LOVE energy~~
Understanding how those moments of not doing what brought you fulfillment and joy are no longer. You had two very huge heart hits very close together and both are being grieved individually and collectively. This takes a tremendous amount of energy so please nurture yourself as best as you are able.
I miss being a daughter to my mother too as she passed sixteen months after my son did. I just have to know that I will forever be that to her as my son is to me and rest in that when my heart hurts and longs.
Having a few things to look forward to when you are able is wise as Teri suggested and then sometimes too you just have to have those times of stillness and quiet to allow yourself to enter into the sorrow and be with it for as long as you need to. This is as unique as we are so listen to what you need...
Loving care on this path and so much understanding dear Vicki.
XO Joanie
Vicki, I love what you said; \"I\'ve journaled, will talk to God and do what I CAN do today\". You have reasonable expectations for yourself after the profound losses you have experienced. Losing your dear mom and then your precious daughter is a lot of devastation for one person. I am proud of you for journaling, looking to God, your sisters here and doing what you can each day.
I know what you mean about even feeling like you lost your identity. I feel that way too since I have lost my only child. Yes I know I am a mom to someone who is now in heaven, but I don\'t feel like a mom anymore. I do not have a living child to talk to to nurture etc. Its very hard and I guess on some level we must reinvent ourselves. At least that\'s what I have tried to do. I try to keep Ed with me and I talk to him and look for signs. But I know I am changed forever and we must not only grieve those we love that have gone on but also grieve who we were in this world. Much love and tight hugs of understanding, Linda
I questioned my faith more than ever after my son died. I mean, I really questioned that which I had taken for granted. I examined it and reexamined it over the years. I came to a peace with it and it is stronger than ever.
Peace.
My Saturday is my day I run away. My girlfriend keeps me grounded, she also lost her son so we are close in more ways than one. If I am down she picks me up and vise versa. We look at a lot of water, living in a beach community helps. We will ride on the beach or park near the river and just BE.
This is how I changed my Saturday. Mon - Fri I work so weekends I have to much time to think or get depressed and be down. Find an activity that speaks to you and persue it.
Hope one of our suggestions helps you get through a rough day.
Sending big hug your way ~ Penny