day 2

Stayed up most of the night looking at different help sites. I found two more that seem legit, and will be pursuing. Today was 3 days of space. There was a number of things happening today inside of me & had to get them all out. I really miss her & the kids so I called her to see if she was home. I had to stop by & get some mail, new shoes I ordered (the other ones I have been wearing for a bit have been ripped apart), and some DVD's. She has been on my mind non-stop. I wanted an iced coffee, so I picked up her favorite coffee there as well. When I stopped in I saw Lily swimming in the pool, and Carrie inside hanging out. When Cristie got home she was upset that I was there. She told me that she wanted space, yet I did tell her that a couple days had passed & I had called before stopping by. She said she didnt get the call. I explained to her what I needed there & I also wanted to show her those sites because I was excited. She didnt seem to much into it. She explained to me that she is still hurt from the lie. I can understand that.
 
I wonder how much she thinks about me when we are apart? I wonder how different the pain I am feeling of shame, letting her down, the hurt from this space can compare to the pain of the lie? I wish I could take away her pain and endure it instead. 
 
Talking to a friend today they told me that no one is perfect, and there will be small set backs along the way. I started to cry. I told them that I am tired of the set backs, and letting the loved ones down. I understand that some things in my life I need support. After listening to Cristie, and seeing what it does I feel it is time to combine my personal effort, with a stronger/higher power. I am proud to say that. I am willing to seek help, for improvement for me, and my family. I cannot wait to make Cristie so happy.