I  feel like I am ready for a meltdown. I have had little time to be online this week. Actually, the week went well. Until Friday afternoon when my blood sugar went o 162, which is high for me and I couldn't focus in school. I got frustrated and threw my board marker in the air and said, "I can't do this." My co-teacher was shocked, the kids were shocked, and I was aghast, but I didn't really care." I told them when they came back from break that I did not set a good example. I also told them that I was not frustrated with them, but with myself. I explained that I am diabetic and that my blood sugar was much higher then it normally is. I think they understood and seemed to be sympathetic, if not forgiving. Still, I can't believe I lost it for a second.

    Fortunately, by eating NEXT TO NOTHING for the rest of the evening, I retested and sugar was 120. Much better and I felt better. I celebrated by eating a candy bar. Stupid!! I had one in my jacket pocket and looking for something else in my pocket, I discovered it. I was quite hungry after not having eaten supper (except for one piece of pizza) and it was available.

    This a.m. I slept in until late morning which was WONDERFUL. Then I puttzed around for a bit, ate pretzels--one serving and had a small chocolate lite ice cream cone (1-2 servings). Then I took my blood sugar again. 252!! I took it again. 272! So I figure it was about 262 due to th different readings. I've NEVER been over 180 before!!!! This is insane. So I tried to think of what to do. I drank a lot of water and decided that I need to do some physical work today (which I planned to do anyway), drink water, and really watch my carbs. That should do the trick. Also I need to take cinammon--I stopped taking it for a couple of weeks--it seems to have great results for keeping my blood sugat on the very low side of high (around 125).

    I have weakness in my legs, some balance issues, and some serious moments of depression. What is going on? Is this an exacerbation? All related to diabetes? Diabetes and depression each going out of whack at the same time? I don't know. All I know is that I have 4 different diseases and it is becoming very difficult to manager all 4 of them. Just when I think I have them all settled down, or I get one under control, another one (or two?) rear their ugly heads. MS, bronchitis/asthma (possibly COPD), diabetes, depression. I am screaming inside. I need to see Dr. Roller to let him know I quit taking the Avonex. Is this happening because I stopped taking the Avonex? Because I am taking LDN regularly? I recall a post which mentioned something like LDN, as it 'travels' through the body fixing things, can recreate for a short time, previous symptoms of illness. Is this what is happening? I am so lost.

    To top off everything, Jack yelled at me and told me to stop b-i-t-c-h-i-n-g! I wasn't. My mistake was telling a 16, nearly 17 year old that I was concerned about my blood sugar. He is so self-centered. I thought he migh hit me, but I stood my ground. He didn't. This is what I wanted to say, but didn't. Thank goodness I held my tongue..it would have created irreperable damage. I am still upset with him, but writing this is helping me. Okay, this is what I wanted to say. Please forgive my language. "Jack, you self-centered little son of a bi.... YOU ARE THE REASON WHY I WOULD NEVER WANT ANY MORE CHILDREN. I HATE YOU. I CANNOT WAIT UNTIL YOU ARE OUT OF MY HOUSE FOR GOOD." Then I nearly began to cry because I don't hate him. He is my son and I love him. I think it is his continuous rejection of me, his ingratitude for all that Mike and I do for him, and his criticism of me that hurts so much. It cuts deeply. A couple of days ago, I was so proud of him! Oh, for that feeling again. How can a mother feel this way about her child, whether he is hers biologically or not? I have given and given and given and he has taken and taken and taken. He is so self-centered. I can't stand him right now. If I could have him out of my house right now (actually he's with his dad now), I think I would jump at the chance for him to go somewhere else. But this thought brings so much hurt! Guess I need to go back to counseling for a month or so and get this all figured out. I am very angry and hurting and confused. Between my son and my diseases, I wonder how I can handle all of this, but know that I will. I always do. My blood sugar does concern me. Actually, now that I am processing all of this, maybe it is a good thing. I have not been taking care of my diabetes and needed a strong wake-up call. Perhaps this is how my Lord is telling me I'd better take care of business, so to speak. I hear, I'm listening, and got the message. I always have to be 'hit over the head' to get it! At least that's what it seems like sometimes. As I write this I feel better about the diseases, but am still aching inside for my son. Or is it for me? Maybe I am as self-centered as he is. Dear Lord, I am in need of your help again!