It happened. I should have seen it coming and I didn't. I feel incredibly stupid. I was so tired when I woke up this a.m., even after 8 hrs. of sleep. I knew I was exhausted, but hadn't realized that I was on the brink of true exhaustion!
I went to the Annointing of the Sick Mass and it was so nice. Too bad I was so tired; I really struggled just to stay awake. Then a nice luncheon at the Parish Center. So far so good, right? Play practice. I never thought I'd dread the theater. Got through Act I. Started Act II. Halfway through, the tiny bit of energy I had left suddenly vanished. I said, "I can't do this anymore." Then I walked out. My son was running the spot light and my husband was running the lightboard and sound. Neither spoke to me. I'm sure neither knew what to say. I felt so defeated, so depressed, so incredibly hopeless. I haven't felt like this in a long time. I should have known that a 'meltdown' was just a matter of time. I've done so well with depression for the past couple of years that I guess I thought I was 'invincible'.
I walked into the hallway and sat down. The tears started and I just sat there like an idiot. I knew that I would have to do the play, but I didn't know how I could do it. A couple of cast members came out to the hallway. I wanted but didn't want to talk to them. I felt foolish, yet needed their support. And supportive they were.
I still feel foolish. I was forced to finally admit to myself that MS has indeed taken a toll on me. I am angry now at this disease. Or am I using MS as an excuse for my own inadequacies? It's easier in a sense to blame MS. But if it is truly MS that is robbing me of memory, then I have to admit to myself and others that I truly am affected by this disease. I can't fool myself anymore. I have to be honest with myself. It is hard.
Or is this all stress, anxiety, lack of sleep and working 16-18 hour days? I wish I knew. I need to know if this is my fault. Am I truly no longer adequate? Can I not meet the challenge? I was so sure that I could!
A cast member said, "We'll just made modifications for you!" Those words are so familiar, yet were so awful to hear. I make 'modifications' for students with learning difficulties quite frequently. It's often part of their IEP. Sometimes I try modifications for students not on an IEP or 504 to see if the modifications may help them. Now I know how they must feel receiving modifications!
I have been praying for humility. Once again, I believe that my prayers have been answered for I do feel humbled.
My head hurts. I'm tired. I lay down for a nap, but was awakened shortly afterward and have been unable to get back to sleep.
I thought that writing this journal entry would help 'purge' me. Funny, I actually feel worse now. I need to get the positive back. I've been watching a hilarious movie and laughing at it, but as soon as I stop laughing, the sadness grips me again.
I'll try to sleep again after checking the discussion post.
To all of you that respond to my journal entries: I thank you! I appreciate you! Love and hugs to each of you.
I guess everyone is entitled to have one 'off' day. I guess this is mine. This, too, shall pass. It always does. Patience. Prayer. Sleep. I'm calmer now.
I went to the Annointing of the Sick Mass and it was so nice. Too bad I was so tired; I really struggled just to stay awake. Then a nice luncheon at the Parish Center. So far so good, right? Play practice. I never thought I'd dread the theater. Got through Act I. Started Act II. Halfway through, the tiny bit of energy I had left suddenly vanished. I said, "I can't do this anymore." Then I walked out. My son was running the spot light and my husband was running the lightboard and sound. Neither spoke to me. I'm sure neither knew what to say. I felt so defeated, so depressed, so incredibly hopeless. I haven't felt like this in a long time. I should have known that a 'meltdown' was just a matter of time. I've done so well with depression for the past couple of years that I guess I thought I was 'invincible'.
I walked into the hallway and sat down. The tears started and I just sat there like an idiot. I knew that I would have to do the play, but I didn't know how I could do it. A couple of cast members came out to the hallway. I wanted but didn't want to talk to them. I felt foolish, yet needed their support. And supportive they were.
I still feel foolish. I was forced to finally admit to myself that MS has indeed taken a toll on me. I am angry now at this disease. Or am I using MS as an excuse for my own inadequacies? It's easier in a sense to blame MS. But if it is truly MS that is robbing me of memory, then I have to admit to myself and others that I truly am affected by this disease. I can't fool myself anymore. I have to be honest with myself. It is hard.
Or is this all stress, anxiety, lack of sleep and working 16-18 hour days? I wish I knew. I need to know if this is my fault. Am I truly no longer adequate? Can I not meet the challenge? I was so sure that I could!
A cast member said, "We'll just made modifications for you!" Those words are so familiar, yet were so awful to hear. I make 'modifications' for students with learning difficulties quite frequently. It's often part of their IEP. Sometimes I try modifications for students not on an IEP or 504 to see if the modifications may help them. Now I know how they must feel receiving modifications!
I have been praying for humility. Once again, I believe that my prayers have been answered for I do feel humbled.
My head hurts. I'm tired. I lay down for a nap, but was awakened shortly afterward and have been unable to get back to sleep.
I thought that writing this journal entry would help 'purge' me. Funny, I actually feel worse now. I need to get the positive back. I've been watching a hilarious movie and laughing at it, but as soon as I stop laughing, the sadness grips me again.
I'll try to sleep again after checking the discussion post.
To all of you that respond to my journal entries: I thank you! I appreciate you! Love and hugs to each of you.
I guess everyone is entitled to have one 'off' day. I guess this is mine. This, too, shall pass. It always does. Patience. Prayer. Sleep. I'm calmer now.
Replies
YOU NEED TO TAKE IT SLOWER AND ONE DAY AT A TIME.. ITLL ALL GO BETTER AND DONT FORGET TO BREATH, DONT PUSH YOURSELF SO HARD TAKE TIME TO SMELL THE FLOWERS ALONG THE WAY OKAY ITLL ALL BE GREAT YOULL DO JUST FINE.... KEEP SMILIN:)
Thanks Lorna! I so appreciate your support and positive comments.
I agree with Lorna! It sounds like you Are pushing yourself way too hard & it has caught up. All those long hours would be hard on someone without MS. Give yourself a break, you do for others, so do it for yourself for a change! Good dreams, Peg
I wish I could give you a long hug and tell you that I understand. It\'s never easy when the bottom falls out and all of your coping mechanisms seem to fail. As hard as it is, let yourself feel these feelings. Be angry. Cry. Rest. Be gentle with yourself. Know that MS will always be in the background testing your strength -- but that you are stronger, and you have a lot of people who care about you. I may not know you \"personally,\" but I\'m one of them. -K
THANK YOU SO MUCH FOR COMMENTING ON MY QUESTION THE OTHER DAY. YOU REALLY NEED TO SLOW DOWN IF YOU POSSIBLY CAN. YOU GOTTA REMEMBER THAT YOU CANT TAKE ON THE WORLD ANYMORE. I HAD A HARD TIME COMING TO GRIPS WITH THAT MYSELF. IT HELPS ME IF I VENT MORE OFTEN. I USED TO KEEP EVERYTHING BOTTLED UP INSIDE. I DONT DO THAT ANYMORE. I HOPE YOU GET SOME REST AND YOU FIND SOME KIND OF EQUAL BALANCE. SLOW DOWN. I HOPE THIS WEEK IS BETTER FOR YOU. MOST IMPOTANTLY, TAKE TIME TO LAUGH. IT HELPS