Today

This is my first week in I don't know how many years that I have not had any coffee!  I have been drinking green tea though.  At first I had headaches and felt "flat"; my personality and mood.  About mid-day I crash and have been reaching for sugar treats, but today I let that pass.  Been carrying my organic veggie juice for a quick energy fix.  My dreams have been very vivid and intense too!  Almost through the first week!!  Feeling better. Quit my Friday afternoon bartending job yesterday and boy oh boy do I feel good about it!!  I'll miss everyone, but it's only up the road and I will hopefully stay intouch with my manager who has become a friend.  It wasn't a bad place; it's a local bar where everyone goes to dance and socialize on Fridays.  It fills up with about 50-100 people who all know each other here in this little New England town.  I work full time as a Health Mentor/Personal Trainer, and with all the doctor appts I don't have time for a second or third job.  Also, it gets depressing when I go from motivating people to take care of their bodies and minds to an atmosphere where people are self destructive.  My poor DH has been wanting me to be home in the evenings for over a year now.  He's pretty psyched about it! Had an u/s this morning, cd13.  Hav 7 follies total, but all too small.  Going for u/s on Saturday and hopefully IUI Monday or Tuesday.  Was shown how to administer the HCG shot I received in the mail yesterday.  Very nervous about that; I have a phobia of needles, even though I see an acupuncturist regularly! :)  I'm going to give myself the shot but when we move on to IVF my DH will administer those.  I have my appointments set up with my RE for December 1st so we can start the process for IVF.  I am not expecting this IUI to work.  Who knows.  It might.  But the data shows that the level of success using IUI with poor ovarian reserve is much lower than IVF.   This morning on my way to the RE for u/s, I started thinking of what I am greatful for.  I am greatful to be alive at a time when infertility treatments are so advanced! I am greatful that I even have a chance to conceive!  I am very greatful for the love me and my DH share; for my family and that they are all doing okay, and healthly for the most part!  I am greatful that my sister is coming to visit this winter; I am greatful for all the love shared between my close friends!  And I am so so greatful for my beautiful DS women who share in the journey to parenthood!!!   And even though I am aware of those things to be greatful for, I had a melt down on my 45min drive home from work.  It felt good to let it out!!  I am in the process of letting go of all the what ifs.  Of wondering why I waited so long to act upon the desire to be a mother.  Why both my DH and I waited.  But we did. And we didn't know that we would be so challenged by waiting.  So now my life is revolving around this.  I've slowed down a lot; am learning to relax in a way I never have before.  My DH loves having his wife around; but I need to find a hobby soon.  I'm not very interested in arts and crafts although I enjoy admiring others' work.  I am keeping my options and my eyes open for opportunities that will come my way.  The universe usually responds to what we ask for.  Just have to stay opptomistic and aware.