Walk
Sunday is the memorial walk for infant loss here in town. I am really looking forward to this expression of grief and honor and memorializing William. Pregnancy has been healing in many ways but sometimes in the pregnant respite that has been the last few months, I am longing for a place a let out what I carry inside in missing him, recognizing that this insanity all actually HAPPENED and I am never going to be the same.
Everyone says that but I really think it's events like this that flesh that out. Shit gets real.
I hope I never get tired of showing up, walking this walk and remembering him. I don't know how I could, but the way grief has expressed itself has changed in the last 9 months since we lost him. But it's always deep, and it always feels like an unfathomable loss that I've just become practiced at stating matter of factly to try and make it more manageable.
So here we are. Our new little girl will be with us and I hope Will is going to be looking down, loving and missing us as much as we long for him.
SOUND OF WHITE - Missy Higgins
Like a freeze dried rose, you will never be what you were in memory
But if I listen to the dark, you'll embrace me like a star, evelope me
If things get real for me down here, promise to take me to before you went away, if only for a day, promise to take me back to the tune you played before you went away
And if I listen to the sound of white, sometimes I hear your smile and breath your light
Everyone says that but I really think it's events like this that flesh that out. Shit gets real.
I hope I never get tired of showing up, walking this walk and remembering him. I don't know how I could, but the way grief has expressed itself has changed in the last 9 months since we lost him. But it's always deep, and it always feels like an unfathomable loss that I've just become practiced at stating matter of factly to try and make it more manageable.
So here we are. Our new little girl will be with us and I hope Will is going to be looking down, loving and missing us as much as we long for him.
SOUND OF WHITE - Missy Higgins
Like a freeze dried rose, you will never be what you were in memory
But if I listen to the dark, you'll embrace me like a star, evelope me
If things get real for me down here, promise to take me to before you went away, if only for a day, promise to take me back to the tune you played before you went away
And if I listen to the sound of white, sometimes I hear your smile and breath your light
Replies
I didn\'t know you were expecting :) Congratulations :) I can understand the contrast of what you are feeling.....excited for the little girl on the way....and always missing your William. You\'re right, it is an unfathomable loss and always will be. And he is blessed to have you as your mom. To be remembered and honored. And grieved. And he will always be with you...no doubt in my mind....as you said, looking down and loving you. My feeling..or maybe I should say my belief... is that he does not experience missing the way we do of them....because he is with you spiritually and feels he IS with you. Even though it may not be in the physical way that a parent naturally wants it to be. No doubt in my mind that he loves you and is eagerly awaiting the birth of his sister. Thinking of you.