Still here
My co-workers have left the building to go bowling for an event hosted by my company. This, of course, brought the minions of heavily pregnant co-workers out of the wordwork (total count: 7).
Unable to hide at my desk, I find myself surrounded by them. Their bellies are getting bigger and I feel so hateful when they flaunt it, but I smile, if only to check the box of social niceties off, and then I look away as fast as I possible can. I try to protect the part of me that is hurting as best I can like this, but there is only so much I can do.
I know it sounds harsh of me to say that they flaunt it, after all, how are they supposed to hide their pregnancies? And they shouldn't have to, of course. But when they ask people to feel the baby moving, right in front of me, when they share every detail of the baby's movements with me, when they talk to me while rubbing their bellies constantly, when they moan and groan while walking by me - and me alone - in the hallway, I classify that as flaunting. First of all, who rubs their bellies constantly in public like that? I think it's sweet if you want to do that at home, but it's always creeped me out when people do it in front of me. Those that just had babies bring them to company barbeques and walk the baby around the office. One time they all gathered around an infant only six feet away from my desk. I wondered how this was even remotely appropriate. Maybe they reason that it's six months later, so Anna must be "over it," as though it was a broken ankle.
So they've all left for the bowling alley and I claimed that I had a headache and wasn't feeling good. Really I just can't take the noise of 75 co-workers in a bowling alley cheering and eating pizza and drinks. One of the girls is bringing her newborn - she's on maternity leave - and the infant is only six lbs. Perhaps a loud bowling alley with 75 people crowded in isn't the best idea? I know it's not all about me, but I'm tired of people's babies and pregnancies being paraded in front of me. I have to draw the line somewhere and bow out when I need to. I used to be very social and enjoyed the company of people but lately I am just tired and I have reintegrated into my old life as much as I can - joking again at work, hosting the meetings, training new staff members, having family over, hanging out with friends. But sometimes I just want to be alone, sometimes I just feel like a part of me died that day and it's okay for me to duck out sometimes. I often wonder if other women are dealing better with their loss than me, if someone else could pull it together and bowl like a bad ass. Then I remember that I am where I am and I am William's mother and I do not need to be anything else. Grateful for God's good grace.
Unable to hide at my desk, I find myself surrounded by them. Their bellies are getting bigger and I feel so hateful when they flaunt it, but I smile, if only to check the box of social niceties off, and then I look away as fast as I possible can. I try to protect the part of me that is hurting as best I can like this, but there is only so much I can do.
I know it sounds harsh of me to say that they flaunt it, after all, how are they supposed to hide their pregnancies? And they shouldn't have to, of course. But when they ask people to feel the baby moving, right in front of me, when they share every detail of the baby's movements with me, when they talk to me while rubbing their bellies constantly, when they moan and groan while walking by me - and me alone - in the hallway, I classify that as flaunting. First of all, who rubs their bellies constantly in public like that? I think it's sweet if you want to do that at home, but it's always creeped me out when people do it in front of me. Those that just had babies bring them to company barbeques and walk the baby around the office. One time they all gathered around an infant only six feet away from my desk. I wondered how this was even remotely appropriate. Maybe they reason that it's six months later, so Anna must be "over it," as though it was a broken ankle.
So they've all left for the bowling alley and I claimed that I had a headache and wasn't feeling good. Really I just can't take the noise of 75 co-workers in a bowling alley cheering and eating pizza and drinks. One of the girls is bringing her newborn - she's on maternity leave - and the infant is only six lbs. Perhaps a loud bowling alley with 75 people crowded in isn't the best idea? I know it's not all about me, but I'm tired of people's babies and pregnancies being paraded in front of me. I have to draw the line somewhere and bow out when I need to. I used to be very social and enjoyed the company of people but lately I am just tired and I have reintegrated into my old life as much as I can - joking again at work, hosting the meetings, training new staff members, having family over, hanging out with friends. But sometimes I just want to be alone, sometimes I just feel like a part of me died that day and it's okay for me to duck out sometimes. I often wonder if other women are dealing better with their loss than me, if someone else could pull it together and bowl like a bad ass. Then I remember that I am where I am and I am William's mother and I do not need to be anything else. Grateful for God's good grace.
Replies
Hi,
I\'ve been thinking of you a lot lately. I think I feel behind on our correspondence. I love what you said about you are William\'s mother and you do not need to be anything else.
I struggle too with women flaunting their pregnancies. I can\'t remember if I told you this but I was around a woman (she\'s a bit more than an acquaintance but not quite a \"friend\"---not close) who is pregnant with her 7th child. She is a very kind woman. A very compassionate woman. And actually she has had 4 miscarriages over the years. She has 6 living children and is due for her 7th to be born any day now.
Something closed off inside of me when I saw her 7 months pregnant at an event 2 months ago. I hadn\'t seen her for a year.
She knows about my miscarriages. She\'s actually a good person to talk to.
But I found it very difficult when she sat down and waved her hand in front of her face complaining about how hot she is. How tired she is. How she is getting \"too old for this\".
At the risk of being sarcastic? (that\'s not how I intended it) I said....embrace it. And I told her that I lost a 3rd pregnancy a few months ago.
She felt so bad and offered her condolences and prayers and talked to me about it for a while and then tried to wrap it up in a neat little package and said \"but the good thing is you got closure this time by having the remains cremated\".
Closure? It brought comfort to have the baby\'s remains cremated. But there is no closure.
She then went on to talk about her pregnancy. Rubbing her belly a lot. Fanning her face. Saying how they \'weren\'t even trying\" to get pregnant. How she wasn\'t really ready for another baby.
I\'m guessing she thought this would make me feel better? In some twisted way she thought that it would be some consolation that this is not some fairy tale she pined for or experiences as a fairy tale.
She neglected to realize how painful it is to hear that she accidentally gets pregnant (and she\'s 42 or 43--so a tad older than me) and can carry it to term when I have spent 3 years on surgeries and miscarriages and lots of trying to get pregnant.
You and I both know that pregnancy isn\'t always a physical picnic. There are symptoms, yes.
But sometimes I wish women would show some restraint into what qualifies as worth complaining about. Especially when their baby is growing and this is just pregnancy. It is temporary. And it\'s not \"supposed to\" be completely pleasant for 9 months.
What we wouldn\'t give for morning sickness, carpal tunnel, etc.
I have an 8 year old daughter. And I had plenty of unpleasant symptoms and severe pre-eclampsia, a C-section, postpartum depression......but I would go through it all again in a heartbeat to have had my lost babies live.
There\'s this feeling that I would walk through fire for them to live.
I agree that sometimes when we are feeling wounded maybe it does become a little too much about us. And sometimes we might even imagine that others are \"flaunting\" only because we see they have what we want for ourselves. But I do agree that from what you are describing...the women at your work are flaunting.
I think there is some sort of womanly pride that a lot of women feel when they are pregnant. And some don\'t know how to tone it down and not allow a pregnancy to make them egocentric.
So I am sorry that you are going through this and are bombarded with this at work.
I\'m glad that you are reintegrating as much as you can. But I also completely understand that you feel like a part of you has died and you\'re right, it is perfectly healthy to duck out when you need to.
It bothers me a lot that your coworkers know about your loss and don\'t seem to show any discretion at all about what they expose you to. Like the part about being just feet away from your desk gushing over a baby.
Sometimes people are so self-absorbed that they can\'t think outside of themselves and consider how their seemingly benign words and actions can affect someone who is grieving.
I can sense that you are such a good soul and sensitive and would be sensitive to someone else if the situation was reversed.
It\'s disappointing that the world has a shortage of truly sensitive people who can understand and be truly respectful to someone whose shoes that they may not have even walked in. But they just know.
Thinking of you.