life...
well i havent been on here for a while as i have been ill and a little sad. im now better but im just getting depressed. my grandad is dying. i had the phonecall thurs to say he doesnt have long left. so the weekend was spent travelling to see him. he has had cancer for 15 years, having treatment etc. last year it was he only 6mths left and we didnt think he would make it to the wedding in june. but he did also survive for x-mas. then they said he only has 3mths left.lol they did give an accurate reading and his 6 mths was up a year ago now. he has done so well fought so hard. now i know its coming. i grieved a bit last year when we thought he was going so now im somwhat prepared, i think im just waiting for 'that' phonecall. i was so close to my grandad he has always been there. looked after me for years as a child. he is such a gentleman, still even though he is loosing his marbles a bit. always saying please and thank you holding doors open the lot.when i saw him at the weekend he was talking a lot about the war he served in. he thought we had only travelled 5o miles to see him when really he knows its 250 miles. bless him he thought my dads car was a porche. :O) what im not waiting for is the day he doesnt recognise who we are. i had to go through that with my great nan and i was only 10. it was the most heartbreaking thing to happen. i just dont want my grandad in pain anymore. to see him suffering to breath is horrible. i winge a bit about what i have to put up with everyday, but my grandad not once has he moaned or grumbled about cancer in the 15 years. oh i love him so much, will miss him so much. we are going again next sat to see him. it was wierd as i thought he would be pale etc etc. but it was just my grandad just with a bit of memory gone. he had so much colour in him, always msking a joke. just my grandad. i really am scared ive never had a family member die. i have had 2 friends die in the past 5 years and its diferent this time. this time i know its happening have time to prepare myself. i think its haerder this way. with both friends it was so sudden the shock news, the grieving, the funeral. but my grandad is just so complicated to explain. time to think and grieve even though he has not gone yet. it seems the order is diferent, no shock news just a waiting game with grieving mixed in . i feel so confused in what emotionds i should be dealing with. jokey im so sorry to bring cancer up. xxx my grandad is now in a hospice with oxygen masks 24/7 .
Replies
Oh Flouncy my heart so goes out to you.My birthday I do not really like celebrating because I have lost my mum my dad and my brother and then when I lost my best dearest closest friend OMG.Its hard which ever way my mother brother and father were all suddendly so no choice my dearest friend cancer as you know and she sounds like how your Grandad is one of them beautiful souled people never complaing always a smile a gentle word.I never heard her once when I got my letter she turned to me and said if theres anything I can do just say she died soon after.It rips you apart well it did me and still does I am still struggling and probably when I saw Our best bud Duck starting treatment as from the nineteeth of March the day before my birthday sent me into one big time Ive not been able to sleep crying but someone oh bless him on here kept their eye on me sent me music kept me going same as with my family.For my birthday something I had to face that was another one of my friends has got cancer and we went out for a meal being treated by our other friend because it was our birthdays.I sat on this bench and said oh God please give me strength please so I dont fall apart you are dealing me a rough hand here with this crap condition but waiting for me on here was some music and I am trying to find it in HMV but they cant find it so weird HMV you know that large store cant find it they say it does not exsist.All I can say is be there be as strong as you can I know not easy but I do so understand and a big big hug Jokeyx
I am thinking of you at this difficult time. I lost my father about 18 months ago after a long battle with Alzheimer\'s, complications from diabetes, then a stroke. It was a heartbreaking time. I went through a whole range of emotions at that time which is part of the grieving process. We had a difficult relationship towards the end, which in hindsight was due to the Alzheimer\'s. We just thought he was a grumpy old man!! I felt privileged to have been with him at the end and I still miss him. He frustrated me when he was alive, but my children are getting older and he is missing their latest milestones. He would have been so proud of Nicholas getting into University and would have had long conversations with Caitiin\'s boyfriend who is passionate about motorbike racing.
im so sorry to hear that jen x i know life ends and everyone is different on how they decide to leave us. my grandad will miss so much with the kids especially if the endo says that we can go ahead and try for another but i know he will always be watching when he goes.