life...

well i havent been on here for a while as i have been ill and a little sad. im now better but im just getting depressed. my grandad is dying. i had the phonecall thurs to say he doesnt have long left. so the weekend was spent travelling to see him. he has had cancer for 15 years, having treatment etc. last year it was he only 6mths left and we didnt think he would make it to the wedding in june. but he did also survive for x-mas. then they said he only has 3mths left.lol they did give an accurate reading and his 6 mths was up a year ago now. he has done so well fought so hard. now i know its coming. i grieved a bit last year when we thought he was going so now im somwhat prepared, i think im just waiting for 'that' phonecall. i was so close to my grandad he has always been there. looked after me for years as a child. he is such a gentleman, still even though he is loosing his marbles a bit. always saying please and thank you holding doors open the lot.when i saw him at the weekend he was talking a lot about the war he served in. he thought we had only travelled 5o miles to see him when really he knows its 250 miles. bless him he thought my dads car was a porche. :O) what im not waiting for is the day he doesnt recognise who we are. i had to go through that with my great nan and i was only 10. it was the most heartbreaking thing to happen. i just dont want my grandad in pain anymore. to see him suffering to breath is horrible. i winge a bit about what i have to put up with everyday, but my grandad not once has he moaned or grumbled about cancer in the 15 years. oh i love him so much, will miss him so much. we are going again next sat to see him. it was wierd as i thought he would be pale etc etc. but it was just my grandad just with a bit of memory gone. he had so much colour in him, always msking a joke. just my grandad. i really am scared ive never had a family member die. i have had 2 friends die in the past 5 years and its diferent this time. this time i know its happening have time to prepare myself. i think its haerder this way. with both friends it was so sudden the shock news, the grieving, the funeral. but my grandad is just so complicated to explain. time to think and grieve even though he has not gone yet. it seems the order is diferent, no shock news just a waiting game with grieving mixed in . i feel so confused in what emotionds i should be dealing with. jokey im so sorry to bring cancer up. xxx my grandad is now in a hospice with oxygen masks 24/7 .