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Can you ever rebuild your marriage? Can you ever move past the hurt and pain and being ripped apart? Im so tired anymore, run down, drained, burned out, I have nothing left. i don't know sometimes if I want to move past it, or if I even want this to "work"  someting inside me has changed, I don't want everything I am feeling to turn to hate, I can already feel it festering, I don't look at my H the same way anymore, I look at him like some stranger, I don't know how to talk to him, what to say to him , how to approach him, how to do anything anymore, Everytime his cell rings, or he walks out the door for work or if he takes a little to long at the store, constantly checking his cell phone ,Ive turned into bloody cell phone stalker, Ive turned into that pathetic jealous bitter wife, who doesent trust anyone ,even his own family in m paranoia I think they are covering for him, these are the things the don't prepare you for when you try to work it out, all the little things, why do the cheaters get off scott free and the betrayed spouses are the ones who pay for it ,mentally, emotionally and physically, I can't eat, I've lost weight 17 lbs ,my whole body aches ,from being tense all th time ,my jaw hurts from being clenched all the time, I see movies where couples are hodling hands and kissing andl aughing or people out on the street ,and my heart aches, I want to be them happy, carefree, I just want to  sleep through the night , I want my ulcer to go away ,get rid of this matcing luggage under my eyes, atleast my hair stopped falling out, I had my tooth pulled yesterday , that was a tremendous relief, im starting to wonder who I pissed off in a former life, I started my new job today , one bright spot, some stability.I am going to work my fingers to the bone and put some money away ,for a rainy day ,I guess that's what they call it. I don't know what the future has instore for me or us, Im not suicidal or homicidal, Im just hurt, one strange thing about all of this is that it brought my dad and I closer together, we had been distant for years, growing up he was an alchaholic, verbally abusive ,but I can live with it now becuae he makes up for it with his 6 grandchildren , both my parents had shitty lives growing up , they had me when my mom was only 15, I used to be angry with thiem for so long, now since all this has happened I realized for the first time how much they really do love me ,and they had did the  best they could with what they had, they had my brother when my mom was 17 and my sister when she was 22, I had my first child at 22 she had three, she had not even turned 30 when I learned to drive, My dad told me a long time ago 'When the time comes you know who your friends are and who you can count on ' I have had a fantastic support system, alot of shoulders to cry on, I could never put it into words how everyone was there for me, Maybe this is my wakeup call, "Be greatful for what you have and quit worrying about what you don't have, ' For the most part I am or was a happy person, we never had alot growing up and I don't have alot now but I was content, I had my family and friends , a roof over my head, a good job, healthy kids, what I thought was a perfect marriage, I was happy, I wish I could be that person again ,I gues time will tell.