Back...

Wow! It has been years since I have been on this site. I wish the reasons were because I was recovered. I think I had been' then the past few years I slipped back and now I feel like its just never going to happen. I have dealt with few things, such as separation from a stable marriage, a completely different lifestyle, and a new relationship. I wish I Had some positives to share, but ed is out of control, and thus my life. I ha e even been to iop for over six months' which allowed me to be the thinnest I have ever been in my life, but I still bped everyday in it, and now I bp and I don't even care much that I'm the heaviest I have ever been. I don't feel like I care about anything pertaining to e whatsoever. I feel dead inside...like its only a matter of time until how I feel becomes literal and I don't care. Once in a blue moon I get an inkling that I deserve to lice, that I have potential, that I'm not just a waste of space...but even that last push for life is dwindling and I have no clue on what I can do to make it better. My motivation is gone, my lust for life, for accomplishing any kind of dream is gone. I managed to have kept those who could be close away, I hold everyone at a distance. I have done extensive intensive therapy with no change in behavior or emotion. I'm missing something, a huge piece of the puzzle, but I don't know haw to begin to find it. This entry isn't even a call for help or anything, its word vomit on what is going on inside and I am numb. I'm so lost. Is there any hope for me? I highly doubt it and I feel badly for anyone who actually cares about me.