WAH!!!
Ok, so I BPed again today!!! WTF!!! And still gross foods, because I am trying not to let my sugar addiction get the best of me. I ate half a bag of barenaked gronola (tasted like paint chips, just the smell made me gag, but I ate it anyways) 1 roll, 1 bowl of disgusting bran cereal, no...make that two bowls maybe like 4 servings? And my breakfast. I purged and could not get it all out, so that led to my tortilla binge expandanza. 3-4 big bowls of tortilla chips. My stomach really hurts right now, and after the last of the chips, I got sich a sharp pain in my chest that has never happened before. It felt like the chips I ate were stabbing me in the heart and it made me collaspe gasping for air, and it brought tears to my eyes. Of course, all I did about it was take a few deep breathes and waited for the pain to subside before I went to purge. The purging took 3 hours, and I didn't even get everything out, which led to...laxitivesyes.I went thereThis journal might seem like I am bragging, due to my writing style, but in actuality, this is really a cry for help, somewhere deep in my soul. I am freaking reading about nutrition, I have my RD, I freaking have all the knowledge of how the body works and how to make it work forme, yet I am tearing it apart. I decided to take pics of myself in my tank top and underwear this moring to get some perspective of how I look since I do not dare look in the mirror. I looked forst at my faceugh so swollenthen at my arms and shoulders. There used to be muscles, now they look wierd, super skinny and grossThen at my stomach, A lot smaller than I thought, not cute at allI though maybe just maybe, I would see the same in my legs and thighsno cigar!Fat Fat FatAre they really fat or is it all in my head? Howcome I look at the scale and it reads one thing but I feel 20 ponds heavier?Why do I feel it necessary to wear like 20 layers of clothes though It is kind of hot?Why is it such a struggle for me to take a shower, because then I would actually have to see my body in all its glory...I take showers with my eyes closed, I do not dare leave the shower without a towl, and I get dressed with the towl still on, that way I can avoid my body as much as possible.I know...I need a therapist. I am working on the insurance issues, and hopefully I can get it soon...I just can't do this alone. I also start my classes in a week and a half, and I need the energy to survive them.HELP.Also if any of my friends are reading this...Who wants to make the goal of no BPing for tomorrow? I think I wrote on some of your pages about it, so if any of you read this, message me because I need someone to lean on!!! And it will also make me feel better knowing that someone is depending on me to be "good" sothey can be good as well.
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