Update
Ok, so I havn't posted anything in a while. I have had a lot of bad days, followed by good days. Did you know that Ipecac is like playing russian roulette? Each time I use it, I face the chance of instant death. It makes me want to cry that I do not care about myself enough to quit. What is wrong with me? I made a new friend at OA. I realize though that she needs more help than I do and I am really caretaking, which could affect my recovery. I do not want her to trigger me, and I don't know if I can focus on her. Why can't I just try to take care of myself? On a good note, yesterday I did not BP. I am so freaking proud of myself. Today I don't know though because I am hanging out with my husband all day and I don't want to and he makes me so anxious and I cannot stand him. He gets mad at me for my ED all the fucking time and everytime I see him, I get a panic attack. Then of course, to avoid the attack, I BP. I just pray that I have a good day with him and he doesn't give me so much anxiety that I BP. Last night after hanging out with my new friend, I was hungry, starving really, and I forced myself to ingore it. Then I was thinking , "Why the hell does it matter if I get a snack or not?" Aren't I trying to gain weight? Don't I want to recover so that everytime I stand up I don't feel like I am going to just keel over? Don't I want the headaches to go away? Don't I want more friends, and a social life where I don't just think and talk about food and calories all the time? Of course, I still ingored the hunger panges, and even this morning I ingored them until it was time for my scheduled breakfast. Breakfast was so freaking good. I mixed protein powder with just enough water to make it look like yogurt. Then I added yogurt to it and chopped strawberries and cereal. I got all the food groups in and it tasted awesome!! Thats how I want to eat normally. I want to be healthy, and I want to have energy. It is so hard for me to move around. I hate this headache I always have, and I hate that my ass hurts when I sit. I hate my body always feel like I got hit by a truck, and I hate my intolerance to cold. I NEED TO RECOVER!!!!
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