Update
Ok, so I havn't posted anything in a while. I have had a lot of bad days, followed by good days. Did you know that Ipecac is like playing russian roulette? Each time I use it, I face the chance of instant death. It makes me want to cry that I do not care about myself enough to quit. What is wrong with me? I made a new friend at OA. I realize though that she needs more help than I do and I am really caretaking, which could affect my recovery. I do not want her to trigger me, and I don't know if I can focus on her. Why can't I just try to take care of myself? On a good note, yesterday I did not BP. I am so freaking proud of myself. Today I don't know though because I am hanging out with my husband all day and I don't want to and he makes me so anxious and I cannot stand him. He gets mad at me for my ED all the fucking time and everytime I see him, I get a panic attack. Then of course, to avoid the attack, I BP. I just pray that I have a good day with him and he doesn't give me so much anxiety that I BP. Last night after hanging out with my new friend, I was hungry, starving really, and I forced myself to ingore it. Then I was thinking , "Why the hell does it matter if I get a snack or not?" Aren't I trying to gain weight? Don't I want to recover so that everytime I stand up I don't feel like I am going to just keel over? Don't I want the headaches to go away? Don't I want more friends, and a social life where I don't just think and talk about food and calories all the time? Of course, I still ingored the hunger panges, and even this morning I ingored them until it was time for my scheduled breakfast. Breakfast was so freaking good. I mixed protein powder with just enough water to make it look like yogurt. Then I added yogurt to it and chopped strawberries and cereal. I got all the food groups in and it tasted awesome!! Thats how I want to eat normally. I want to be healthy, and I want to have energy. It is so hard for me to move around. I hate this headache I always have, and I hate that my ass hurts when I sit. I hate my body always feel like I got hit by a truck, and I hate my intolerance to cold. I NEED TO RECOVER!!!!
Replies
hey well done for not going down the b/p path. i know what it feels like to have ED impact on your social life..... just sucks to have that constantly in your mind. if you munched on some jelly beans or something else to get your blood sugar levels up does that help with the headaches? and... more water!! keep hanging in there sweetie xx
Hey well done for not b/p a day without doing it is fantastic! dont put yourself down for not getting better as fast as you would like baby steps are probably better dont push yourself