Hmmm

So today was an ok day...I woke up at 5, went to the gym, went to work and came home. The same as any other day. I feel so bloated and sick though from all the purging this weekend. Also I feel bad right now that Id din't complete my workout, I am just so tired. I can hardly talk because I am exhausted!!! As I drove home though, all I could think about was food, and it is wierd, but I like to plan in my head my binges for the weekend. I think of everything I want to eat and think about the taste and the smell. I was thinking, what would happen if I were to eat it and not purge, and I couldn't even think of an answer.  I am happy that I have a full schedule of classes, but my job really is so tiring. I had two little kids today, one on my back and the other I was working with, and They both kind of went under a little when they were on my back because I did not have the strength to lift them up. That is so pathetic!!! My goals for tomorrow is to enjoy my workday and not get too stressed out about it and to just deal with my tiredness and not let it bring me down.   A few more thoughts. Tomorrow I call the nutritionist, and I am really scared. I feel like I don't want to gain weight at all. I feel like I worked to hard to be this way and I don't want to ruin it. I know that is sooo horrible, but I feel proud that I have not gained. That is sick! I feel like Idon't want to be a normal weight because then I will not have anything else to define.  So freaking awful.