Today

OK this is my first journal entry and it feels wierd to write . I guess I don't know what to say, but here goes...the things in my head.. First off stopped my period. That has never happened to me before and I think that that means that I do have some kind of problem. I am happy not to be bother by it because I am exhausted as it is and Thats just one more thing to make me tired. I am not really scared...but nothing scares me anymore.  I am married and right now I can't stand my husband. He does not have a job, and the only thing he dies is go to school, but he is only taking a few classes and spends his day playing world of warcraft. As I am writing this I am starting to tear up. I did not know how much that bothered me until now. When i come home from work I feel like he gets pissy because all I want to do is eat dinner and go to bed. He sits on the bed clicking his mouse late at night when I am trying to sleep!!! I have to work!!! I almost hate him for it. It makes me so mad that I wake up at 5 and he is still sleeping and when I call him at around nine, he is still asleep.  As for me, I am exhausted!! I work teaching kids how to swim so I am in the pool all day long A lot of theekids I teach are bigger than me and i have to lift t hem all the time and do their kicks/arms. Sometimes if they are smaller and I have two I have one on my back and I am holding the other one. The better swimmers swim lapes but I hae to tread water allday and swim with them . This is exactly my day: I wake up at 5 and I go to the gym at 6:30. I leave the gym at 7:30 8 and drive in traffic to wrk which is about a 30 to 45 min drive. I change into my bathing suit and get in the pool at 9 and usually work teaching back to back lessons till about 7-8. Sometimes, if Ididn't finnish my workout, I will go to the gym near work for about 30 min. At 8/8:30/9: I go home and eat dinner. By then I can hardly move. so I go to bed. I do have 2 days off and I stay up late and wake up atthe crack of dawn 4/5/6am. Before I go to bed all I can think about is swimming and how I could have handled bad situations in class better. I feel guilty that I yelled at a certain kid ,or that one of my kids I could not geet to stop crying, or that I didn't teach what I was supposed to and I beat myself over it.     I feel like my job controls me and that my routines control me and that there is only one thing that I can control and its what I put inside. I think though that I am at a breaking point and that I am going to have a nervous breakdown.