Last night I had vivid and distressing dreams about Wilma. The dreams centred around me feeling helpless and not having the first idea what to do, it was as though I couldn't save her because I didn't know how to.The recriminations have started. What if I'd taken her to the vet a couple of days earlier when her leg first swelled up? Would the diuretic have had a chance to work? Would the vet have been able to try anything else? She was very kind, she said yesterday that the diabetes had really taken its toll on Wilmas heart and circulation and that a peaceful end was for the best. Would a couple of days have made a difference? A few years ago I lost my mother to diabetes. While we all knew she had the condition and all supported her the best we could, she never let on that she wasn't managing to control it. She also had a pathalogical fear of doctors and hospitals so it was always a struggle to get the truth about how she was feeling, and to get help for her if she was ever unwell. Maybe she was in denial about it herself - just one more day with high sugar levels won't do any harm surely? One day she merely complained of feeling 'a bit out of sorts' and finally conceded to go to hospital. That evening the doctors confirmed that she was suffering congestive heart failure brought on by the diabetes. They gave her drugs to try and raise her BP but in the early hours of the following morning she passed away.The house is very quiet this morning, and for the first time in 22 years of living alone I actually feel 'lonely'. It's as though the house is just a pile of bricks and mortar without Wilma there and I'm filled with thoughts about packing in the job (which I have just about had enough of anyway) then selling up and moving on. I can't but help think that all these feelings are rash, but they're so strong, so overpowering, so demanding of my attention. What will become of me?For the second time in just a few years, diabetes has robbed me of my nearest and dearest, and while I feel little consideration for my own condition at present, I pray that all of you out there who are touched in any way by diabetes either as sufferers or as friends and loved ones of sufferers, that you find the strength to beat this. We can't wind back the clock, but we can each look for the way forward that works for us and those we care about.