:)

Well, I have spent much time the last 2  days with people. Alone is dificult so I have ome good friends that I have stuck close to. Just called my friends(a couple ) that live in my hood and asked if I could just come by and hang. They were good with it. I also talked to my sister to talk to her about growing up and I needed to know what was here view of our house. The last 2 days I have been all kinds of messed up and hurting so bad. I really had no intentions of dragging up the past but it isout again and I have no choise now.I cannot be with others 24/7 and it doesnt always help to be with others.  God this freaking ripped my guts out.All I want is to trust that I can function and I want my past to heal so 5 can live in today. If anyone says just let go of the past I will scream. That is the problem, weather I am consciously looking at my past or not it is controlling my actions today so I HAVE TO look at my past to be healed today and tomorrow. I do not want to trust others because I do not want to be let down. I dont ask for much. I just want to feel that my life has purpose and meaning and worth. When I was a child I prayed to God, God show me what I need to do to be loved. Tell me what I need to do to be a part of something. I was so scared and alone . I just wanted to be loved. I learned that I could never trust and or be loved and no one would ever love me and that touch was an awful thing. I dont want to be hugged because to me a hug is like saying,"I am here for you man" and I know better, you are not here for me and no one will ever be here for me and God even abandoned me. So I felt I was unworthy and deep down it is still the same.