:(

Got up soaked up some coffee. Got my bike out and rode to church. I spent time with peoplple all day yesterday.I am doing the things I need to do.  If the expression on my face seems pained ,believe it I am not just caught in deep thought. My heart is so heavy and I am crying so hard within, although no tears fall. That is worst because I have no relief. All the pain is stuck.I am sure that people do care but I cannot see it, nor can I feel it.  Yesterday morning got up and let the dog out , when I came back she was gone and my heart fell.I need her more than she needs me. I took a walk around the block and there she was doing the same.i thank God everyday for her.  So I keep thinking, these are not the thoughts of a man in mid life but a shut in old person who is sad and alone and nowhere to go and feels like there is noting left. I do not want to be that. I pray for sterngth and guidance everyday and I just feel lost and hopeless,I get out and do things with people but I am still by myself even if I engage. So I just push on for now.I really dont want to find the positive but I still push because it can happen again.I cannot express how broken I feel and how much pain I feel, even when I am not running negative thoughts and images through my head. The pain is so base that it feels like without it there is nothing left.Believe me I know how heavy this sounds , I am with me 24/7.