Better mood tonight. Maybe I will make it after all .At least today huh?So why does God allow suffering? That seems to be the question. When I was aa little kid I told myself that my adult life would be bettrr. I guess the majority of it has been. Every horrible day now is better than one day of childhood. That was Hell, not having any power overmy own life. When I was deep in addiction and did not know how to get by, just stealing and turning tricks for cash I never questionedit, I knew it was much better than a day in my childhood. I had a warm bed and I knew where I would eat but All I could think about was the great escape. All this stuff seems to be coming up. Visions in my mind of uglyness.All these years a certain numbness to it all, and now feelings. Someone told me tonight that they think it makes sense that after a  few years to set my life up as a stable adult with a careeer and a home it seems as though this would be the perfect time to start feeling it. Now that it is safe.  When in addiction I had nothing to lose because I had no hope. Now I have all the hopes and dreams that I built up over the last few years and feel as though the stakes are higher.God has given me the last 18 years that I did not expect to have.    One day in my old life:  Wake up still feeling a buzz. Where am I?  Find a smoke at least a few butts that I could roll into a cigarette. Shake the beer cans next to the bed to see if there was any left.  Go downstaairs to the bar. When I had a room it was above this transient bar.The daytime crowd was mad up of bums, old gay men andevery other type you could think of.  Get  someone to buy me drinks and see what my friends were up to. My circle of friends were a small group of street hustlers, some straight, some gay. There was always a scam going down. Some quick money. They were my friends the understood my life.  The F..ed up childhood and the not belonging anywhere. These guys are long gone and the ones that are still alive I am sure are locked up.  So I have to write this to remember the chance I have been given.I know my life is much better today, but I do not always feel better.I have a  double life. This is my past life that I forget because no one in my life saw it or really knows about it. It is still so much a part of me.At least then my out side was consistant with my insides.  If anyone is reading, sorry for the length of it and the seemingly disconnected babble.. I just had to purge.