Empty
I feel empty inside and it is so very uncomfortable... I have had "friends" for years, and I am finding the relationships I have to be far more hurtful than healthy...
I have alienated so many people with my isolation and fear, and in that fear, I have driven people away... I have chosen many times to not engage in activities with them, nor be part of their lives other than by means of Facebook, which is a distant, safe entity within itself...
I do not seek pity... I seek acceptance, but when I try to find that through others, I more often than not feel less accepted and more empty than before... It is as if they sense I am an empty hole trying to make them fill a void they cannot fill, and I am draining as a result...
What I see in others, I see in myself and I do not like my reflection in the mirror...
I just messaged someone and asked them if they would like to take a walk with me... They immediately turned off the connection... I felt hurt and rejected...
But how many times have I hurt people by rejecting them? By cutting them off like a pair of scissors, immediately, when the slightest feelings of offense or fear creeped into my confused mind...
I am a frightened, angry, child in an adult world... So sensitive, yet so vengeful...
This confusing entity...
I do not know what to do to repair the damage I have done as I know my motives are not clear at this time... Do I really wish to rebuild that friendship just because I am lonely? Or do I need to think clearly regarding what I am doing before I make a move of any kind...
Just allowing myself to be and not react out of the fear of my little girl... The one who had no friends... The one who never belonged... The one who wishes so badly to be loved and accepted...
I feel empty and nothing outside of myself is going to fill this voice in a healthy manner...
I have alienated so many people with my isolation and fear, and in that fear, I have driven people away... I have chosen many times to not engage in activities with them, nor be part of their lives other than by means of Facebook, which is a distant, safe entity within itself...
I do not seek pity... I seek acceptance, but when I try to find that through others, I more often than not feel less accepted and more empty than before... It is as if they sense I am an empty hole trying to make them fill a void they cannot fill, and I am draining as a result...
What I see in others, I see in myself and I do not like my reflection in the mirror...
I just messaged someone and asked them if they would like to take a walk with me... They immediately turned off the connection... I felt hurt and rejected...
But how many times have I hurt people by rejecting them? By cutting them off like a pair of scissors, immediately, when the slightest feelings of offense or fear creeped into my confused mind...
I am a frightened, angry, child in an adult world... So sensitive, yet so vengeful...
This confusing entity...
I do not know what to do to repair the damage I have done as I know my motives are not clear at this time... Do I really wish to rebuild that friendship just because I am lonely? Or do I need to think clearly regarding what I am doing before I make a move of any kind...
Just allowing myself to be and not react out of the fear of my little girl... The one who had no friends... The one who never belonged... The one who wishes so badly to be loved and accepted...
I feel empty and nothing outside of myself is going to fill this voice in a healthy manner...
Replies
I am so sorry that you feel this way. I don\'t know if you have a faith. My faith has given me strength and comfort, and I often feel the love of God when I pray. God forgives everything. You are loved. (((Hugs)))
Thank you so much Veronica 77... ;)
I\'m sorry your friend hurt your feelings.
I can relate to this. I also distance myself from people - I really don\'t have the heart for human interaction much of the time, and people go on with their lives and forget about me. But I also know that I am a good person with a lot to give, and I deserve to have the space to heal, because I need it. When I am ready to let others closer there will be people there ... because the world is full of people, and human beings are very sociable creatures.
What happened with your friend turning off their connection might not have anything to do with you at all. They might be going through something. Unless you have been hurtful to that person there is no reason for them to shun you - and if they are the kind of person who would shun you, then you don\'t need them as a friend.
I am sending comforting hugs to that little girl that lives inside you. Comfort her and tell her how much you love her, no matter what. Your love counts for a lot. You can give her so much.
donnawanda, thank you so much for your response... As I read your journals I see so much in myself... I realize you have asked for enlightenment, and I will share with you when I am able... Your writings are very insightful and I am grateful to have the opportunity to read them... I just took a wonderful shower and am in my PJ\'s... What better place for a little girl to be?
: )
If you fear rebuiilding relationships and being denied-then build new ones! Volunteer work perhaps?
Yes, annettearizona, volunteer work is truly rewarding in many ways, although I try to remain distant from the individuals with whom I volunteer... I am part of a Disaster Action Team and my professionalism is more in tune when I am not friends with those whom I volunteer... Previously, I did another form of volunteer work, but there was a horrible incident which occurred, an accusation which remains unforgivable to this day... I cannot return to that organization, but the six years I spent with them were wonderful years and I embrace them despite the pain...