5 month anniversary
Dear PJ, today marks 5 months since you died. It's hard to believe that that much time has passed already and at the same time it feels like an eternity since we were together. The initial raw grief has dulled to an empty ache. I feel like an observer watching life happen around me while I am trapped in this void of life without you. The end of the year is just around the corner and part of me is glad. I want this year to be over, it's been a terrible one. But what next? A new year, a fresh start, but who am I now? I'm not the same person that met you 16 years ago. My life has been so much richer having had you in it. I'm so sorry it took your death to fully understand what an amazing gift you were. It's a cruel trick of nature that we really don't know how much we have until it's gone. We think we do, but we don't. So I'm left here trying to figure out what to do with the rest of my life. Juggling this ball of emotions. Still loving you. Sadness at your passing, relief that after your cancer diagnosis 5 yrs ago it's finally over. Your pain and suffering is at an end, the worst happened and I'm surviving it. Guilt that I'm relieved. The final 6 months of your life were awful for both of us. My own selfishness that I'd endure that pain again if it meant more time with you. I know you are in a better place. I know we will be together again one day it's just trying to figure out what to do until then. I know you would want me to live life and find my happy again. Not sure where it is right now but hope you'll help me get there. You were my strength, my rock, my safe harbor in this crazy world. You're the one I'd be leaning on at a time like this. It's hard learning to stand on my own two feet. I know you would be proud of me and encouraging me along just like you did when you were alive. So, thank you. For coming into my life, turning it upside down. Making me see things in a different light. My world is a much better place for having had you in it. Love Liz.
Replies
Liz ,
It\'s true it seems like yesterday yet an eternity since I lost my Ben 5 months ago. 155 days to be exact. I am sharing your thoughts today. I feel blessed to have had such a great love.
Your journal today is a beautiful tribute to your P.J. Let\'s both make this day count for our precious husbands.
Your friend, Sandra
I just cried reading this. And still crying. I realized that Pat and Bryan passed away almost exactly 2 months apart and we held Bryan\'s funeral on Pat\'s 2 month anniversary and not laid him to rest on his 5 month. I hate the coincidence but it\'s always special in the way that the dates are significant to us. For all the wrong reason though. I hate that part. Jen bought these shiny blue star balloons today that we let go in remembrance of Bryan. It was really nice. I think my diet today consisted of soda, chips, a protein bar, more chips, cheesecake, and some crab puff things from Panda Express. I thought about how much I wasn\'t hungry and just worked my way through the things that did some appetizing so I wouldn\'t just not eat all day. It\'s been a rough day. Everything you say holds true, Liz. Always. That\'s why, as sad as it sounds, I keep coming to you for advice because you\'re going through it to and helping me immensely. I feel like I\'m making it worse for you, at times, and if that\'s true please tell me. I know you probably won\'t though because you\'re far too sweet. Just know that you are a big part of the reason why I am a stronger woman through all of this. Ever since you talked to me while I was at hospice I\'ve come out with a little more strength than I had before. Thank you for that.
Sorry for all the typos. It\'s late and I can\'t see my keyboard very well.
Dearest Liz . . . yes, the monthly anniversaries hit hard. I\'ve missed a few and wondered why I was so melancholy . . . then happened to look at the calendar and there was the reason. I have an 8 month coming up soon . . . already feeling the recurring nightmare of my reality. Sigh. Twilight Zone days . . . I could write a plethora of episodes, sadly. Nothing seems real, the emptiness is beyond imagination . . . I wish I had some encouraging words for you, all of you . . . but alas, I am left in the same miserable space of mucking my way along. Just knowing that I and you, are not alone brings infinite comfort. We together as a \"family\" will get through this. Big hug to you. xo, Dayna