My life...
Been years since I've been to the DS website but in consideration of the love and support I received back then over a Miscarriage my husband and I suffered I felt maybe just maybe this would be an avenue for my distress.
I have previously been through rounds of depression however I am at an all time low.
I grew up in a family that lacked compassionate to say the least. Honestly I don't have many fond memories. My Mom and Dad were extremely disconnected. It was rare to hear, "I love you" and/or to receive a hug.
My dad was a hard worker. There was some speculation that he was an alcoholic due to the fact that he would come home from work quite often if not daily and enjoy a few beers. I always chalked it up to his need and in turn right to relax however maybe he was. I do know that since he was diagnosed with Ureter Cancer almost four years ago he doesn't drink much if at all!
My mother has been a stay at home mom since she was pregnant with my older brother. She believes that in order to be a "good" wife and mom your house must be squeaky clean all the time, dinner must be prepared and on the table for your hard working husband and children and that your hair and make-up must be in tip top shape. If for any reason you are not able to live by these standards you are a FAILURE! When I was younger (mid to late teen to early 20's), my mom called me a slut on at least one occasion possibly more that I choose not to recall. When I lost my baby to miscarriage she told me, "Get over it". In the almost 12 years that I have been a mom she has only told me 1 time that I am a good mom. Finally, I kid you not when I tell you that she actively tried to sabotage my relationships up to and including my marriage to my husband that I have been with for almost 19 years to the point that if she finds out we are going to have a rare day off together she will cause a disturbance to ruin our day. My mom has Multiple Sclerosis and was diagnosed with Lung Cancer in December of 2013.
I have an older brother whom has been an alcoholic since he was a teen. Growing up he required my fathers and my rescue on several occasions either due to passing out behind the wheel of the truck he was driving, his inability to find where he parked his truck or something else. He has physically abused me on several occasions one time on Easter and another time over something as incidental as Pizza Rolls (I kid you not). On one of the occasions he threw me into a wall, on another he repeatedly kicked my leg to the point where I couldn't bear any weight on my leg and on one other occasion he threw me backward into the corner of my wooden waterbed frame. He has also verbally/emotionally abused me on many many occasions with the most recent being just this past Wednesday. Very little if anything was ever done to stop his behavior.
I also have a younger sister. Because of the fact that she is the youngest and that my parents were both older when she was born she has always lived life a bit more footloose. She began smoking at an extremely young age regardless of our parents rules, partied, slept around, drank, lied and aborted two unwanted babies etc. At one point a psychologist told my parents that due to some tragic event in her young life she stopped mentally maturing around 15 years of age. Quite honestly I have never been close to her. I believe between our age difference (7 years) and the lack maturity is the reason why. I had to grow up quick!
Because of my brothers and sisters issues I had to grow up quick and have always carried the load of taking care of everything for my family which I just accepted!
During grade school I was bullied both physically and emotionally by fellow classmates in grade school and yet my parents deemed it more important to keep me active in sports with these girls.
When I graduated from high school I vividly recall discussing career options with my parents to only hear over and over, "You can't do that"
I met my husband and began dating him in June of 1995. Over the years he has been with me through each and every up and down. He is a wonderful man however I think he has hit a point of no longer knowing what to do or say for me. I told him the other night I would never have imagined how many times I would pray to God to take me away from all this suffering!
I have been blessed with two amazing kiddos. My daughter Gracie is almost 12 and my miracle crazy son Jonathan just turned 6. Without them I dont' know where I would be....
I have previously been through rounds of depression however I am at an all time low.
I grew up in a family that lacked compassionate to say the least. Honestly I don't have many fond memories. My Mom and Dad were extremely disconnected. It was rare to hear, "I love you" and/or to receive a hug.
My dad was a hard worker. There was some speculation that he was an alcoholic due to the fact that he would come home from work quite often if not daily and enjoy a few beers. I always chalked it up to his need and in turn right to relax however maybe he was. I do know that since he was diagnosed with Ureter Cancer almost four years ago he doesn't drink much if at all!
My mother has been a stay at home mom since she was pregnant with my older brother. She believes that in order to be a "good" wife and mom your house must be squeaky clean all the time, dinner must be prepared and on the table for your hard working husband and children and that your hair and make-up must be in tip top shape. If for any reason you are not able to live by these standards you are a FAILURE! When I was younger (mid to late teen to early 20's), my mom called me a slut on at least one occasion possibly more that I choose not to recall. When I lost my baby to miscarriage she told me, "Get over it". In the almost 12 years that I have been a mom she has only told me 1 time that I am a good mom. Finally, I kid you not when I tell you that she actively tried to sabotage my relationships up to and including my marriage to my husband that I have been with for almost 19 years to the point that if she finds out we are going to have a rare day off together she will cause a disturbance to ruin our day. My mom has Multiple Sclerosis and was diagnosed with Lung Cancer in December of 2013.
I have an older brother whom has been an alcoholic since he was a teen. Growing up he required my fathers and my rescue on several occasions either due to passing out behind the wheel of the truck he was driving, his inability to find where he parked his truck or something else. He has physically abused me on several occasions one time on Easter and another time over something as incidental as Pizza Rolls (I kid you not). On one of the occasions he threw me into a wall, on another he repeatedly kicked my leg to the point where I couldn't bear any weight on my leg and on one other occasion he threw me backward into the corner of my wooden waterbed frame. He has also verbally/emotionally abused me on many many occasions with the most recent being just this past Wednesday. Very little if anything was ever done to stop his behavior.
I also have a younger sister. Because of the fact that she is the youngest and that my parents were both older when she was born she has always lived life a bit more footloose. She began smoking at an extremely young age regardless of our parents rules, partied, slept around, drank, lied and aborted two unwanted babies etc. At one point a psychologist told my parents that due to some tragic event in her young life she stopped mentally maturing around 15 years of age. Quite honestly I have never been close to her. I believe between our age difference (7 years) and the lack maturity is the reason why. I had to grow up quick!
Because of my brothers and sisters issues I had to grow up quick and have always carried the load of taking care of everything for my family which I just accepted!
During grade school I was bullied both physically and emotionally by fellow classmates in grade school and yet my parents deemed it more important to keep me active in sports with these girls.
When I graduated from high school I vividly recall discussing career options with my parents to only hear over and over, "You can't do that"
I met my husband and began dating him in June of 1995. Over the years he has been with me through each and every up and down. He is a wonderful man however I think he has hit a point of no longer knowing what to do or say for me. I told him the other night I would never have imagined how many times I would pray to God to take me away from all this suffering!
I have been blessed with two amazing kiddos. My daughter Gracie is almost 12 and my miracle crazy son Jonathan just turned 6. Without them I dont' know where I would be....
Replies
Please know what I suggest is in no way an attempt
to \"tell you what to do\"...that is not my place.
You don\'t know me but reading this just broke my heart for you. I\'m almost old enough to be your grandmother.
Your mother is almost identical to mine, mine always made it clear I wasn\'t even wanted to begin with and subjected me to extreme physical and emotional abuse all through my life, even after I\'d married and left home.
My firstborn son died at 5 mos. of age and her \"comfort\" was, \"that\'s God\'s punishment for who you married\", I kid you not.
May I ask, does your\'s live with you? I realize
she is seriously ill with cancer but if she doesn\'t live with you, is there any way you can remove her from your life? I only ask because as I understand you, this has been going on your entire life and I very much doubt she\'ll change.
I had to move out of the area with 2 young children
to escape her tactics and abuse...there simply was no other way for me.
I am only suggesting you consider going \"no contact\" with her for your own peace of mind as well as for your own little family. If that is not something you wish to consider, perhaps there is a way you can minimize the time you do spend with her?
I very much respect the fact she is your mother
but you are an adult now and have the ability to stand up to her and not accept her abuse any longer.
I wish you peace and the courage to do what you need to in order to bring this to a stop once and for all.
((((((((((very gentle hugs))))))))))