Ugh
The way my life has gone this far has causes me to develop some unsavory habits and characteristics. I had began to become cold, prideful, guarded and very distant. I kept people at a football field's distance because I didn't want anyone to get close enough to be able to hurt me. That actually worked in my favor when I was single with no children to take care of because it kept me focused on the tasks at hand. I was all work and solitary play. I remember working 10-12 hour days, 7 days a week and getting paid every Friday. The only bills I had at that time were rent, electric, cell phone and game stop!
Fun was getting off work on a Friday night, going to game stop and picking up a few new games and driving all through the city with my wine black & mild and my music. People said I was lame and boring but I enjoyed my simple life. I didn't NEED anyone, so the people I choose to have around we're there because I wanted them there and nothing more.
Now I have reached a place in my life where I make little to no money which is not ok since I have children now to take care of. No more black & milds (smoking is bad for you), no more cruising cuz I can barely afford to pay for my car let alone gas to just burn out, can't afford video game system let alone weekly games and I put up with a lot of people that I did not give birth to or am dating because I NEED them and what they potentially have to offer (clients that haggle prices or keep rescheduling appointments, etc).
Now I spend my days sitting at home watching movies on repeat with the kids. I only leave when I HAVE to as I don't have gas money to just ride around aimlessly. I don't have a job so I don't contribute financially so I let my wants and even some needs go unchecked because I HATE having to ask someone else "if I can...". Sure when bills roll around I make sure they get paid but that's only because I was put in charge of my partner's money. I make sure she has what she needs and wants because it is her money and if she decides to do for me then so be it.
I feel so useless. Everyday I have somewhere to go I pray that my car starts because I am so behind on the note, I have to calculate how far I'm going to make sure I can get back and forth, if I'm going to a store I have to know exactly what I'm going for and calculate all prices plus tax as not to embarrass myself by not having enough money at checkout.
I lay here day after day trying to figure out my purpose and I'm drawing nothing but blanks. I'm used to being in control of my life and I feel like I have lost it.
Ugghhh!!!
Fun was getting off work on a Friday night, going to game stop and picking up a few new games and driving all through the city with my wine black & mild and my music. People said I was lame and boring but I enjoyed my simple life. I didn't NEED anyone, so the people I choose to have around we're there because I wanted them there and nothing more.
Now I have reached a place in my life where I make little to no money which is not ok since I have children now to take care of. No more black & milds (smoking is bad for you), no more cruising cuz I can barely afford to pay for my car let alone gas to just burn out, can't afford video game system let alone weekly games and I put up with a lot of people that I did not give birth to or am dating because I NEED them and what they potentially have to offer (clients that haggle prices or keep rescheduling appointments, etc).
Now I spend my days sitting at home watching movies on repeat with the kids. I only leave when I HAVE to as I don't have gas money to just ride around aimlessly. I don't have a job so I don't contribute financially so I let my wants and even some needs go unchecked because I HATE having to ask someone else "if I can...". Sure when bills roll around I make sure they get paid but that's only because I was put in charge of my partner's money. I make sure she has what she needs and wants because it is her money and if she decides to do for me then so be it.
I feel so useless. Everyday I have somewhere to go I pray that my car starts because I am so behind on the note, I have to calculate how far I'm going to make sure I can get back and forth, if I'm going to a store I have to know exactly what I'm going for and calculate all prices plus tax as not to embarrass myself by not having enough money at checkout.
I lay here day after day trying to figure out my purpose and I'm drawing nothing but blanks. I'm used to being in control of my life and I feel like I have lost it.
Ugghhh!!!
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