Yup
Well as I had suspected things were exactly what I thought they were and played out exactly as I thought they would. Surprised and not all at the same time. I'm trying to so things differently because being set in my ways has gotten me a very unfulfilling life this far so I'm trying to make changes, but it's difficult when people only see you for what you DID, or how you USED to do things. It makes moving foreword harder when people only see what you did in the past.
I try not to let it discourage me and to use it a motivation to keep moving foreword towards better but it becomes more and more difficult. Every triumph is overshadowed by a discrepancy from the past and it does get very discouraging because it makes me question why I'm even making an effort in the first place. The way I was before worked for ME because it kept me safe. I was cold and guarded but it kept from getting hurt and it kept me focused. It was also pretty damn lonely. Then I met someone that actually made me want to change, made me want to open up and let her in but that is a process and there were bumps along the road. Times like this I wonder if its even worth it because at least when I was alone I was lonely by myself amid wrangle by choice. Now I can be in the se house with someone and feel so alone, I can be in a good mood and have it ruined because someone wants to bring up something that happened in the past. Things can be so great and then 5 minutes later be twice as bad as they were good.
I'm trying to be patient.... I made a decision that I thought was going to help our situation and it made things worse ok oops.... My bad now let's figure out how to do things and move foreword is my mindset, but I surrounded by others with the mindset that if I had never made the decision I made things wouldn't be this bad so everything is your fault....
*A baby bird fell out of its nest.... Your fault
*A tire blew out on a Lexus in china.... Your fault
*Florida got snow..... Your fault
An as crazy as that sounds that's really how I feel. That is very discouraging. I try to keep pushing foreword but its hard and I'm at the point that I'm already pregnant and useless, can't help financially, no one will open up to me emotionally so I'm just here. I literally just exist. I'm a nanny, a maid and a chef. That's all I am good for because anything else I try to do is pointless. Then when people get an attitude they don't want to eat, come home and go right to bed so now what is my purpose????? Already got someone else handling the kids cuz I can't do that either so....
Y am I here again????
YUP I'm drawing a blank there too smh.
I try not to let it discourage me and to use it a motivation to keep moving foreword towards better but it becomes more and more difficult. Every triumph is overshadowed by a discrepancy from the past and it does get very discouraging because it makes me question why I'm even making an effort in the first place. The way I was before worked for ME because it kept me safe. I was cold and guarded but it kept from getting hurt and it kept me focused. It was also pretty damn lonely. Then I met someone that actually made me want to change, made me want to open up and let her in but that is a process and there were bumps along the road. Times like this I wonder if its even worth it because at least when I was alone I was lonely by myself amid wrangle by choice. Now I can be in the se house with someone and feel so alone, I can be in a good mood and have it ruined because someone wants to bring up something that happened in the past. Things can be so great and then 5 minutes later be twice as bad as they were good.
I'm trying to be patient.... I made a decision that I thought was going to help our situation and it made things worse ok oops.... My bad now let's figure out how to do things and move foreword is my mindset, but I surrounded by others with the mindset that if I had never made the decision I made things wouldn't be this bad so everything is your fault....
*A baby bird fell out of its nest.... Your fault
*A tire blew out on a Lexus in china.... Your fault
*Florida got snow..... Your fault
An as crazy as that sounds that's really how I feel. That is very discouraging. I try to keep pushing foreword but its hard and I'm at the point that I'm already pregnant and useless, can't help financially, no one will open up to me emotionally so I'm just here. I literally just exist. I'm a nanny, a maid and a chef. That's all I am good for because anything else I try to do is pointless. Then when people get an attitude they don't want to eat, come home and go right to bed so now what is my purpose????? Already got someone else handling the kids cuz I can't do that either so....
Y am I here again????
YUP I'm drawing a blank there too smh.
Replies
Seems to me u expect people to forgive and let go instantly for however they are feeling since you left... seems like you\'re expecting instant results... maybe you\'re not aware of the damage that was caused or even how they\'re processing it... idk how to assist on this... especially if this is pertaining to previously mentioned... sounds like they didnt really expect u to come back let alone for you to jump riye back in like ur leaving had no consequences... smh ijdk...
No not expecting instant results but it hasn\'t been exactly instant since I have returned number one and number two it was made clear from day not that I would return so for anyone to think I wouldn\'t had to have come from somewhere else because I have always said it was temporary. The fear that I wouldn\'t come back either came from past experiences or assumptions which again had nothing to do with the present so now that I have followed through on my word and returned I\'m faced with adversity because others choose not to believe what I told them.
The issue I have is if I act standoffish and sit in the shadows until everyone deals with what ever they are dealing with then we lose time because I\'m not going to just sit around doing nothing. I\'m going to get moving with my life, I\'m going to approach life a the stranger I am being treated like and I\'m going to do what I have to do for me to survive which would cause problems in the family unit because everyone is on their own path.
I tried to jump back into the swig I things because as I told them be prepared because I was comin home and we were going to make some changes but because they choose not to believe no effort was made so now that I\'m back everyone is trying to adjust to changes I said were going to happen months ago. At this point I expect nothin more and I shall ask for nothing more.
It\'s like walking in circles, once you realize that even with all your efforts you aren\'t actually going anywhere it may just be time to sit down.