Update

So its been a couple of weeks almost since I was on here. I spent 5 days at a crisis center recovering from the cuts, bruises and burns I gave myself. I got to meet other people in crisis and meet with a staff member for an hour a day to talk about things. I have been home and back to work a little over a week now and I am coping as best as possible. Some days are worse than others. Have not self harmed since what I will call the breakdown day. That said I have urges all the time and still think daily about suicide. I am going to a self harm group went this past Tuesday and I think it will be good. it is for 10 weeks and will hopefully give me a better strategy on how to not harm. I am also starting a 1 on 1 counselling next week to deal with my suicidal ideation. Plus the crisis center said call anytime 24 /7 to talk or set up a same day face to face meeting if I need it. All in all I am getting some help and hope it may be a start. I dreamed about Jessica last night and still miss her so much it kills me.
I was able to talk to my HR department about all the stress at work and the relationship I had that failed and they are working on getting me some help to. I should be optimistic but I still feel this crushing sadness, loneliness and isolation along with urges to hurt myself and hopefully finally be able to kill myself. I told the therapist last week the one thing that keeps me from doing it is the thought it wont work and I wake up alive.